So, you’re single on Valentine’s Day. You could spend it at home, drowning in a sea of Netflix and boxed wine. Or, you could pick yourself up by the bootstraps, venture out to a bar, and interact with other human beings. But what kind of bar should you choose?
If you want to…
…drown your sorrows in cheap beer and relieve a little pent up sexual frustration through a high-stakes game of pool or darts, head to a Dive Bar. Be sure to bring enough quarters to OWN that jukebox, and if you’re really feeling generous, buy all the other poor saps around you a shot. They need it as much as you do.
…convince yourself that you don’t need a romantic partner in order to lead a sexy, sophisticated lifestyle, then head to the swankiest Cocktail Bar you can find, preferably one with a ton of Generver Bols and Saint-Germain on the menu. Order the fruitiest cocktails you can imagine (who’s there to judge you?), swivel the drink in your hand, lean back, and peruse the rest of the crowd. Have your last cocktail, and then decide on one more. If your bartender is cute, write your number on the receipt, or ask for theirs. Happy Valentine’s Day to you.
…have sex, please, with anybody, get yourself to a Hotel Bar, preferably one favored by business people. Order a whiskey, neat, find the closest single person, make eye contact, and don’t let up. There’s bound to be another traveler there, stuck on a business trip, bored and alone on Valentine’s Day. With a hotel room.
…get plastered with all your friends and not think about romance once, find the nearest Tiki Bar. Order a Scorpion Bowl — better yet, order two. Yeah, you look a little bit fratty sucking a sugary-rum drink out of a communal bowl, but damnit, you’re going to have FUN on Valentine’s Day! And you’re not going to remember any of it, tomorrow.
…find a date, STAT, so that next year you aren’t in this position, propose a tequila-sampling date on HowAboutWe (yes, in February!) Or, become a regular at your local Wine Bar. Get to know the staff so you’ll feel comfortable coming in by yourself for a random glass of wine after work — eventually, they’ll start looking out for you, and will be able to introduce you to any cool clientele that they think you might gel with. (Because Bartenders, of course, make the best wingmen.)