Advice

Confession: I Want to Be Impregnated By That Video of Bradley Cooper Speaking French.

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This is a really difficult column for me to write.

Not because I’m feeling emotions (well, I am feeling some emotions) or anything heavy, but because writing this post means I have to keep rewatching the video of Bradley Cooper speaking French.

Now, I’ve never been the biggest Bradley Cooper fan. I mean, yes, he has amazing eyes. Piercing blue eyes that see into the deepest part of my soul. And that smile. That smile is so bright that it could serve as a beacon even in the darkest of storms. But no, never found him all that attractive. I’m not one of the people who started a tumblr dedicated to the movements of his tongue or anything.

But then he opened his beautiful bilingual-speaking mouth.

Now, I’ve lived in Paris. Part of my family is French. So you’d think this wouldn’t get to me. You’d think I’d be immune! But no. I started watching this video while at work, and I just couldn’t finish. Because I knew that Bradley Cooper and I really needed to be alone.

Male friends asked me what is so amazing about this video that it has all of their man-loving friends watching an interview with just a little bit of drool coming from the side of their face. And I don’t necessarily have the answer. It’s not just that it’s in French, and it’s not just that he is speaking lovingly about the host family with whom he stayed in Aix-en-Provence or that he said Zach Galifianakis in what is possibly the sexiest way one can or will ever say Zach Galifianakis’ name. It’s the whole dialogue. And the possibilities opened by what he said.

For example, in the moment when he doesn’t understand what the lady is saying, he says so! He asks for clarity! This shows us that not only is Bradley Cooper an Adonis who probably keeps a copy of Keats’ poems in the breast pocket of his coat, he’s also willing to admit that he is in beyond his depth! So, if say you are driving in a car with Bradley Cooper and you get lost, he will likely throw up his hands, turn to you and in that top-four-buttons-of-his-shirt-unbuttoned sort of way say, Allons-nous arrêter pour des directives? And even if you don’t speak French, you will agree.

I know last week we were so in agreement about Mindy Kaling’s guide to being a dude people find attractive. But this week I saw we need to throw out Mindy (except that part about the dark-wash straight leg jeans. Because oh my god.) and let Bradely Cooper into every part of our being.

In short, if this video walked up to me and asked if it could impregnate me, I wouldn’t even make it buy me dinner before taking it back to my place. Guys, when a lady comes over to your apartment, put away the Marvin Gaye and break out the Bradley Cooper en francais.

PS – is there a way to edit out the lady asking all the questions? Because that would really seal the deal for me.
Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.

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