Advice

What Happens When You Look Up An Ex’s New Girlfriend

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Is there anyone reading this who can honestly say they’ve never googled the current girlfriend/boyfriend of an ex? If so, please introduce yourself in the comments, because I’d love to meet you! You’re a stronger person than I.

For the rest of us, there’s this hilarious piece from The Hairpin which expertly chronicles what it’s like, minute by minute, to look for an ex’s current squeeze on Facebook.

An excerpt:

Stage One: Curiosity
This bitch better have a Facebook page. Who doesn’t have Facebook? Oh, OK, 30 results with that name. Crap. Well it can’t be that one, too old. That one lives in Texas. That one has an obvious eating disorder, he’d never go for that, right? Well, maybe he would, what do I know? Maybe he’s really into bony chicks that don’t order an appetizer, entrée, and four beers every time they go out. Maybe he wishes I had an eating disorder, maybe he…oh, this must be her!

Stage Two: Moment of Truth
Is she prettier than me?

Stage Three: Panic
Shit. She’s totally prettier than me. Oh my god, look at her hair, who has hair like that? Great, she’s got boobs too. I bet she knows how to put on liquid eyeliner. I bet she never has lint, dog fur, or bits of peanut butter stuck to her clothes. I bet she showers every day. God, how can anyone have that hair?

Isn’t it funny how the first thing we ask ourselves is “Is she prettier than me?” I guess it’s because from a photograph it’s hard to glean other pertinent questions, such as “Is she smarter than me?” and “Will his friends like her more?”

It’s somehow so important to us to “win” against an ex–to be coupled up sooner and better than the other person. But when you find yourself alone late at night, six Google pages deep in a fit of new-girlfriend stalking, remember that there’s really only one important question to ask yourself:

“Will she make him happier than I could?”

This question defies pulchritude, wit, charm and sex appeal, because no one tangible quality is enough to make someone happy. So sure, she’s pretty–but he’s not going to love her just because she’s pretty. And sure, you’re funnier, but that’s not enough either.

She might have the perfect mix of personality traits that will make her irresistible to him–and these are impossible to see with the naked eye.

So just take a deep breath and say to yourself “Yes, she must make him happy, and if not, too bad for him.”

Then close the computer window, and focus on finding someone new who makes you happier.

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