When we break up with someone, there are certain stages we all must follow. First there is the drunken immediate hook up. Then there is the drunk dialing. Then once our bodies have realized that no more good can come from a seven dollar plastic bottle of rum, we turn to food. Yes food, something we have come to associate with the warmth of our mother’s bosom, the good company of friends around a table, and the ever so faint smell of meatloaf and cigarette smoke that reminds us of home. Is that just me? Okay then, moving on. Nothing will get you out of your bed and on to the couch watching “I Love Lucy” on WEtv faster than greasy buttery food, so let’s celebrate the finest comfort foods that are there when no one else is with this list of great comfort foods that’ll see you through any hard time.
Mac and Cheese
420 calories per cup of pure homemade joy. How like life that that the hardened noodles are softened by butter and cheese. It is kind of a culinary metaphor for your life. When you are feeling jaded and hardened by life, just add butter.
Nothing sees your through the troubles of life better than (or more stereotypically than) ice cream. It is amazing though that the complexity of the ice cream you eat is directly proportional to your desperation and loneliness. When we need a little pick me up we head for the simple pleasure of vanilla and chocolate. When we haven’t gotten out of our pajamas in several days, it is all about the peanut butter cup and chocolate covered pretzel bits marshmallow caramel fudge swirl with M&Ms. And at this point there is really no need to add sprinkles, your tears will freeze atop your mounds of iced cream and freeze to provide the perfect salty compliment.
Chocolate doesn’t judge you. Chocolate doesn’t think you’re fat. Chocolate will love you no matter what and doesn’t agree with the rest of the world that will never get married. Chocolate is like the gay best friend of comfort foods. It always thinks you’re fabulous.
Pie: Be it cherry, apple or pecan
Nothing says mother’s love like pie. But pie doesn’t come attached to years of mind bending guilt and criticism. So it is like your current mom minus everything about her. It is like being loved by June Cleaver.
The left over party sub from work. The ultimate in despair
So you have given up making your own comfort food. Hell, you don’t even have the where with all to buy your own comfort food. Just steal it from work. Sure, it is soggy and the mayonnaise may turn any second, but who cares! You aren’t going anywhere soon.