Being Single

27 Stages of a Terrible First Date

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We’ve all been on the first date where nothing inherently terrible actually happens, but the date amounts to a whole pile of awful. The stages of that date are as follows.

Stage 1: You’re leaving and your friends tell you to get excited. It’ll be great!

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Stage 2: You get to the place and scan the crowd for your date.

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Stage 3: You’re seated.

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Stage 4: It’s been four minutes.

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Stage 5: You’ve been waiting 30 minutes.

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Stage 6: You think about leaving.

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Stage 7: Your date finally walks in. You get their attention.

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Stage 8: You look on while they get all of their personal items firmly situated on the chair.

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Stage 9: You’ve already hit a silent patch.

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Stage 10: The waiter brings the menus and you now have something else to look at.

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Stage 11: Your date tries to make a chummy joke with the waiter. No one laughs.

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Stage 12: Your date says their favorite type of music is “anything other than country and rap.”

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Stage 13: And that their favorite movie as a kid was The Princess Bride.

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Stage 14: But now they think the movie is “juvenile”.

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Stage 15: You’re in the middle of a story that reminds your date of a great story, which they immediately launch into telling.

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Stage 16: Your date seems incredibly bored, even while chewing.

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Stage 17: You crack a punny joke and your date doesn’t smile.

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Stage 18: Your date starts talking about their semester abroad in Prague.

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Stage 19: Your date asks how you feel about Prague.

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Stage 20: Your date asks if you’d like some chocolate lava cake.

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Stage 21: You wordlessly decide to go halfzies on the bill.

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Stage 22: You say goodbye.

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Stage 23: It’s over.

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Stage 24: You get home and turn to the TV for comfort.

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Stage 25: While channel surfing, you stumble upon yet another happy couple.

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Stage 26: Tucked in for the night.

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Stage 27: You thank him for Inception-ing your dreams.

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Plus: