The freezing temperatures, harsh winds, and puffer coats of winter make it hard to do the most important thing in the world according to lady magazines: remain sexy. Here, eight tips on how you can fulfill societal beauty expectations, weather be damned.
1. Keep your space heater on all night so you wake up every morning with skin that is as painfully parched as the Sahara. Even better if it’s flaking a little bit. Flaky skin is the new dewy skin.
2. Stop shaving. Let your leg hair grow until it sways like a Pacific kelp forest in the warm breeze from your space heater. Try once a week to shave it and hack through the hair on the lower half of your left calf before giving up. You’re not lazy, you’re making a feminist statement.
3. For a casual but seductive “hanging out at home” look, walk around the house in your ex’s old hoodie that’s three sizes too big, sagging leggings, and wool ski socks pulled up to the knee. To complete the look, slip your feet into some ancient moccasins that you might have stolen from your mom. Chic!
4. Sleep in the hoodie, with the hood pulled up, because you’re so goddamn cold. Wake up with your hair somewhere between sexily mussed and becoming a single dreadlock. This is very in for 2014.
5. Get snot everywhere, particularly on people you’d like to sleep with. There’s no turn-on quite like kissing someone and getting mucus all over their face from your nose that’s running like a faucet. If they lick it off their upper lip, you’re golden.
6. Shower under the hottest water possible, which will dry out your scalp and give you dandruff. “Yes, it’s seasonal, thank you,” you can say to anyone who mentions it, as you flip your hair over your shoulder. The forecast is definitely for snow.
7. When in bed, cram your frigid extremities up next to your partner. Nothing says “do me now” like shoving your icy feet in between their toasty warm calves. Bonus points if you can put your hands under their armpit. Tell them that love means never saying, “Your hands are freezing.”
8. Once you’ve seduced them in this manner, spend most of the actual sex determinedly yanking the covers back up over you to prevent any of your bare skin from being exposed. Modesty is sexy. It’s also important to be considerate of your partner, and check in to make sure they aren’t suffocating while going down on you under two comforters. Hey, at least they’re not cold.
Header image via Veer, second image via