Communication

Now You Can Send the Dick in Your Life a Huge Cardboard Penis

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Sometimes, you say it with flowers. Other times, you say it with a gigantic cardboard penis sent via USPS. Because how else are you going to express all your phallic feelings? In a letter?

Luckily, the Kernel hasĀ discovered a new and very handy service that will take care of all your postal penis needs for you: for a mere $9.99, Shipadick.com will send the recipient of your choice a very special package. And by “package,” I mean “two-and-a-half foot cardboard erect penis.” For an extra five bucks, you can customize the thing with a personal message, or perhaps something from Shipadick’s drop-down menu of suggestions (options include “SLAP!,” “I love you,” and “Congrats! You’ve got Herpes!”). Just think of the possibilities!

According to Shipadick owners and cardboard peen masterminds Marshall and Chester, two longtime BFFs who recognized a gap in the dick market when they saw one, about 90 percent of dick orders are “light-hearted inside jokes.” It’s meant to be a “funny, goofy” thing, they say, not a “revenge-style” thing. Still, they say, they’ve received the occasional complaint. Apparently, not everyone appreciates a dick joke.

Which is exactly why Shipadick is considering expanding their cardboard empire. While they don’t have immediate plans to expand, they’ve registered domain names for both Ship A Clit and Ship A Vag, though they’ve been held up by design issues (“Where would you put the message?” they wonder). But someday! Someday, there will be mail-order genitals for everyone.