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Scottish Man Texts Ex-Girlfriend to Tell Her He’s Dead

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We’ve all received an awkward text from an ex: a “u up?” at four in the morning, a drunken “i still love you,” or an utterly inexplicable “Molly, please stop contacting me, this has gone too far and I’m prepared to involve the authorities.” But Scotland’s Jon Pirie has outdone them all. He sent a text message to an ex-girlfriend informing her that he was dead and, in an added flourish of genius, included the date and place of his memorial service.

Because corpses, generally, aren’t great at using technology, Pirie assumed a friend’s name to let the woman know that he’d been killed in a car crash. But what was his endgame? Did he expect this ruse would win her back? What if she’d shown up at the “funeral?” Would he be there, in gore makeup, lying still as possible in a rented casket?

Pirie will stand trial next month for “causing annoyance, inconvenience, or needless anxiety” to his ex, which is a charge I too would like to start indicting people for.

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