Yes, you could go with one of those boring “ketchup and mustard” couples costumes that you pick up at Halloween Adventures, but those just all seem so…so…straight. Why not pick something with a bit more flair for your Big Gay (or Lesbian) Halloween Costume this year. You’re welcome.
Is it hard for you to wrap your head around the idea of allowing your boyfriend a wandering eye (and other parts)? Halloween is a great opportunity to pretend to let your inhibitions go. Be wild! Let yourself indulge in the night’s topsy-turvy spirit and fake-experiment with the altered lines of monogamy in 2013.
Dress as you and your boyfriend normally would, but with a hint of super chill.
Cut holes on either side of a cereal box, large enough to slide both of your hands through.
Hold each other’s hands inside the cereal box!
Paint a Grindr profile on the front of the cereal box (a joint one or two separate for more secure couples) complete with “stats” and simply the text: “Just looking” scrawled across in red letters-a direct way to explain your intentions, while also giving off “v. masc” and “literally just looking” vibes.
List yourself as in an open relationship.
Carrie White And Margaret White
With the remake looming this month, it’s extremely timely to pay homage to the tragic prom queen Carrie and her religious zealot mother. In saying that, I’d suggest going for the original look: the Sissy Spacek/Piper Laurie combo. No one wants Chloe Moretz at their party, so please specify that you’re 1976. Thanks! (Please note that I’ve already exempted Julianne Moore from any remake criticism).
Fawcett hair/use blonde wig
Cover yourself in fake blood
Bouquet of flowers,
Photo of Schuyler Fisk.
Sensible black heels
Fro-ed out hair (get a perm if adventurous/committed)
King James Bible
Tom Cruise And David Miscavige
Tom Cruise is no stranger to gay rumors. The straight actor who certainly does not at all have sex with men in his private life divorced from lamp post/beard Katie Holmes last summer. No matter who he is (or is pretending to) have sex with, his most enduring relationship remains with Scientology. Cruise is a devout Scientologist, and is considered to be the “face” of the religion, due in part to his face, his celebrity, and his very close, very intimate relationship with the church’s head, David Miscavige. Miscavige (who has been married to his reportedly missing wife, Michele, since 1982) and Cruise are def besties, but it’s easy to speculate that they’re also auditing each other’s E-meters.
Sign that says, “HEIGHT: 5’7/5’7 and a half/5’7 and 3/4”
White button down
Leash to hold around Tom Cruise.
Anne Hathaway Hugging Amanda Seyfried At The 2013 Golden Globes
This was one of the most terrifying moments of the year, so I am going to deem it appropriate for Halloween. Has Anne Hathaway ever been more Anne Hathaway than when she hugged her Les Misérables costar/onscreen daughter, Amanda Seyfried from behind when the 12,000 people in the Les Mis cast and crew flooded the stage to accept their Golden Globe? The embrace carried on throughout the sequence of endless speeches made, Anne Hathaway nestling her head on Seyfried’s clavicle, watching onward, pretending not to be aware of the camera, doe-eyed, in pure Hathaway whimsy. Watching Amanda’s face was truly witnessing the five stages of grief in full, something I experienced with her: denial that the hug was happening, quiet rage, bargaining to anyone in the void to make it stop, depression, and ultimately, acceptance. Seyfried resigned to Hathaway’s grip, and we all mourned for her. We mourned for Amanda.
White, sparkly, strapless dress
Pixie cut/pixie cut wig
The world’s hugest eyes
Michele And Marcus Bachmann On A “Date Night”
Give people a taste of what America’s premier political power couple look like on a weekly dinner date night. Add some nuance to the costume by carrying around a portable stereo that plays the audio of a quiet restaurant (complete with clanking silverware).
Cream colored pantsuit from Ann Taylor
Small, sensible silver hoop earrings
Side eyes/bewildered look that suggests, “I have just discovered contact lenses.”
Cream colored pantsuit from Ann Taylor
Small, sensible silver hoop earrings
Prison of the self
Also, withdrawn glances
Also also, dissatisfied sighs
Ellen Ripley and Newt From “Aliens”
I think it’s safe to say that there is no greater action movie heroine/bonafide babe than Sigourney Weaver as Ellen Ripley. Carrie Henn’s “Newt” was the ultimate sidekick and scrappy fighter, who was able to use her small size to travel/hide in tight spaces, and generally outwitted the adults in most of her scenes. Aliens is a perfect movie/sequel, and more importantly, a genuinely important womyn’s film. Nothing will ever beat Ripley in the robotic power loader suit, saying, “Get away from her, you bitch” to the Alien Queen. Add that fearsome to your Halloween checkout list.
Black suspenders (equipped with machine gun rounds)
Ski boots (or just regular boots to save you the awkward gait)
Black denim overalls
Frey thermal shirt
Dirty blond wig
Dirt on the face
You’re riding the subway, and considering buying a pack of Welch’s fruit snacks for one dollar, and suddenly, you’re paralyzed by one question: Are you the masc one in your relationship? You’ve never discussed it with your boyfriend before. You’ve always assumed your relationship was a solid smoothie of v. masc, not masc, semi-masc, denoting masc, post-masc, and also masc. But now, you’re unsure! Use Halloween to try to answer this question: tell your boyfriend you aren’t dressing up this year, but dress masc, but not so masc that your boyfriend will say (as he gets ready in his honestly-not-that-masc costume) “You’re dressed masc.” Incorporate some masc sayings and masc gestures as the night progresses; keep it subtly masc. You want the people you’re out with, as well as your boyfriend, to fall asleep at the end of the night thinking, ‘He was actually very naturally masc.”
A tank top you’re wearing for the sole purpose of keeping cool in hot, crowded bars that you feel low motivation about going to because you have a boyfriend now and also because you’ve never really been into the scene, anyway. You sweat a lot in general, even in the fall, so your boyfriend and friends will both understand and appreciate it. No one wants to see you sweaty. They’ll also think your costume is very practical, and that you’re very realistic which, fortunately for you, is also very masc.
Idgie And Ruth From Fried Green Tomatoes (Movie Version)
The 1991 classic drew a backlash of criticism over the director’s choice to remove the lesbian romance between Idgie and Ruth that was explicitly explored in the novel, and opting to keep it “ambiguous” and full of “undertones”. Alas! It still won “Best Lesbian Content” at the GLAAD Media Awards. It’s all about content! Content! “Although it goes against the book entirely and maintains an astonishing amount of repression, it DOES have good content!” one of the early ’90s GLAAD people said during the voting, to a deafening applause. “Here’s to content!” another GLAAD person said, raising a glass of not-explicitly-lesbian-but-actually-lesbian champagne. Here! Here!
White button down
Dark brown tie
Big black floppy hat (If someone hasn’t seen the movie, just say you’re in catering)
A purple or light blue colored polka dot dress
Hair in a messy bun
Big floppy white hat
Leave a space between the two of you for your decades-long romance that was completely glossed over!
Lizzie Borden and Nance O’Neil
The infamous bachelorette/alleged murderess who was tried/acquitted of the brutal axe-slaughter of her father and stepmother in 1892, was also believed to be a lesbian. Many theories support a secret affair between Lizzie and her father’s maid, Bridgett, which was the actual catalyst of the murders, after the affair was discovered. It is fact, however that Nance O’Neil, a popular Broadway actress, became a close friend of the Victorian era Casey Anthony, and often stayed whole weekends/weeks at the large house Lizzie purchased after she inherited her father’s wealth. No one will ever know if Borden and O’Neil, a woman described as “loose in moral character”, were an actual item, but it’s fun to assume!
A black dress with the collar covering your neck
Curled hair in a tight bun
Fake blood covering face/dress/hands
Plunging “woman of loose morals” neckline
Hair in messy bun
A long cig
The Joint Costume Idea That You Don’t End Up Actually Being
You told friends about your joint Halloween costume idea and posted things like “Finally decided on our joint Halloween costume!” on Facebook and Twitter and watched movies and YouTube clips and music videos together or separately to prepare for the costume and Googled “Is it possible to prove that you have the best joint Halloween costume ever?” and texted each other once or twice a day “Thinking about the costume” and then, for a variety or reasons, mostly involving work and being tired, you lose track of time, and forget to get supplies and material for the joint Halloween costume and end up texting your boyfriend the morning of the Friday of the weekend before Halloween, “I’m okay with not doing that joint Halloween costume; we can do something different” and he says, “Yeah, me too,” and you say, “OK cool” and he asks, “What should we be?” and you say, “I don’t know. Maybe something topical” and he asks, “Like Miley Cyrus?” and you say, “I’m tired of Miley Cyrus” and he says, “She’s just experimenting with herself, I think it’s cool” and you say, “I think she’s trying too hard,” and he says, “You used to like her,” and you say, “I mean, kind of” and he says, “You liked that one movie,” and you ask, “What movie?” and he says, “The one where she wears midriffs with tie-dye long skirts and Greg Kinnear plays her dad and he gets cancer and dies”, and you say, “The Last Song“, and he says, “The Last Song!” and you say, “I could actually watch that instead of going out tonight” and he says, “Me too”, and then you don’t go out.
A full scale painting of Miley Cyrus wandering through T.J. Maxx while looking for her parents that you can wrap around the both of you
The Last Song DVD
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