As stressful as the holidays are for anyone over the age of 12, the seasonal strain can be even more intense when you’re in a relationship you want to 86. If you’re still in need of a present for the special guy or gal who’s literally driving you insane (like, clinical diagnosis insane), we’ll help you find the greatest gift of all: your freedom.
Anything Personalized, with Their Name Misspelled
Or, for the bold, personalized with an entirely different name altogether.
Delicious Snacks They’re Deathly Allergic To
“Since when don’t you like shellfish, soy, and peanut butter cookies with extra gluten? Wow, babe. You’ve really changed.”
Something They Own that You Stole and Threw into a Gift Bag
Alternately, hastily rewrapping a present they gave you last year will do just fine.
A Gift Card with Exactly 45 Cents Left on It
“I know you love coffee, hon, so I was thinking that I might treat you to two ounces of it. No more, no less.”
Everybody hates candy canes. Don’t be an idiot. Or, in this case, do be an idiot.
Nude Photos of Yourself (with Someone Else)
“I mean, I couldn’t have posed with you, silly. That would’ve totally ruined the surprise.”
Clothes That Really Don’t Fit (Not Even Close)
While some romantic gift-givers prefer an X-rated present, you should be thinking more along the lines of XXXL.
“You like puppies, right? Well, this is literally ten times better than a puppy. By the way, most of the litter suffers from severe health problems that will require your constant supervision. Also, none of them have been housebroken.”
While you’re at it, take a hint from Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend and fake your own death (yup, that really happened).
Please don’t try this at home. Grown-ups use their words to end relationships.
Image via Veer