Eating

What Your Choice in Chopped Salad Says About You

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Recently, the New York Times discovered that a) college girls enjoy sex, and b) people like to eat chopped salads. Revelations! So we thought we’d analyze what your chopped salad says about you.

Walnuts
If you’re the kind of person who puts walnuts in a salad, you’re probably the kind of person who wants to get married right away. You crave the dry, chalky, yet wholesome nut… just as you seek out the dry, chalky, yet wholesome solidity that marriage provides.

Raisins
You’re the kind of person that tries to tell jokes on dates to lighten things up, knowing, in your heart of hearts, that it really won’t make a difference. Life is a chopped salad.

Craisins
Raisins out of cranberries? Slow down, The Future! Don’t just jump into things without knowing what they are, you rebel.

Egg
How badly do you want a kid I mean seriously.

Beets
You know that everything good in life will probably leave a mark, even if that mark is on your nice new white shirt, or all over your teeth until someone points it out five hours later.

Feta
Just don’t.

Croutons
You desire a challenge. You desire difficulty. In your romantic life you thrive on difficulty. You desire what is basically stale bread in your salad.

Avocado
You are the chopped salad equivalent of the Rocky theme song. If you’re in the mix, everyone will silently thank the chopped salad gods for your inclusion.

slicing-avocado8

Tomatoes
Everyone likes you but my god are you boring.

Bell Peppers
Well look at the fancy person with their fancy peppers oooh look at me I think I’ll just have the peasant make me a chopped salad because I’m Jay Gatsby look how fancy and important I am ordering bell peppers.

Carrots
Ah, the ol’ standby. You can’t go wrong anywhere. You show up and make everything else just a little bit sweeter and crunchier, and that’s what you want in a chopped salad, man. You’re like the Ryan Gosling of chopped salads. You might as well be wearing Wayfarers when you eat. Simple, trustworthy, and somewhat eccentric yet old fashioned: you may be perfect.

Mango
Quiere desesperadamente de salir con un chico español, pero nunca llegó a la instalación de “Rosetta Stone” en su computadora. Ahora que acaba de ver películas de Gael García Bernal y pensar en lo que podría haber sido.

Apples
He ain’t going to call you, but an apple will always be there for you, right? Until it goes rotten, anyway. Just like the last one you dated. I mean ated. Ate. I meant ate.

This concludes HowAboutWe’s very scientific study on chopped salads. Enjoy!

Ned Hepburn is a writer and editor currently living in New York City. He makes a staggering amount of money and everybody likes him and did he did not write his own bio. You can find him at nedhepburn.com, worstmag.com, and @nedhepburn.

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