The Terrifying ‘FemiLift’ Procedure Will Tighten Your Vagina with Lasers

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What did you do on your lunch break today? Enjoy a delicious food-truck grilled cheese? Chat with your coworkers about the weird magic that was the Xtina/Lady Gaga duet? And just how many of you had a gynecologist stick a heated laser beam inside your poonani to shrink your vaginal walls? Oh, literally no one? Cool. 

Billed as a 15-minute “lunch break procedure,” FemiLift has been making news as a cosmetic workout for your vagina. A large metal speculum is inserted into your vaginal canal, shooting a laser that heats up your internal tissue. Your vaginal protein fibers contract, making your business “smaller and tighter.” Sexy, right? Imagine a high-powered executive canceling a meeting with her colleague: “Sorry, I can’t make that call today, Craig. I’m going to have my snatch resized with a laser to save my terrible, sexless marriage. LOL!”

FemiLift is a product of the same sad, body-shaming culture that brought us vajacials, cosmetic labiaplasty, and whatever the hell Jennifer Love Hewitt was talking about. Telling menopausal women that they need to “tighten” or hack off parts of their body in order to be attractive and keep their husbands satisfied is not a good look. On that note, why isn’t saggy ball reduction surgery on the rise? Or taint lightening? Some people could use it.

The Guardian blogger The Invisible Woman beautifully takes down the FemiLift phenomenon: “This ‘rejuvenating’ experience could set you back the thick end of 10 grand, depending on your ‘laxity’ – a lovely word. You might also bear in mind that the effects last 18 to 24 months so it’s not even 10 grand’s worth of permanently rejuvenated vag.”

Can I recommend a real (and free) workout for your vagina? Try sex, or kegels, one of which you can do in public (or both, if you’re feeling saucy). So get out there and let your vagina have some fun that doesn’t involve a laser.

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