For Future Reference

How to Find the Perfect Bar to Make Out In

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Gross makeout

DNAInfo celebrated Valentine’s Day this morning by sharing a list of tips for finding a bar (somewhere busy, yet dim and cozy) to snog the object your affection. We appreciate the gesture, but guys — have you ever been to a bar? For better or for worse (usually for worse), making out is the number one thing that people do at bars. Distant number two: drinking. It’s not rocket science. That’s why the old joke goes, “A guy walks into a bar, then inevitably makes out with someone, to the discomfort of the paying customers trying to enjoy their drinks mere inches from his uvula.” 

If the prospect of mutually contaminating your saliva in the comfort of your own home isn’t appealing enough, here’s The Date Report’s simplified guide to making out at a bar.

1. Locate a bar. This shouldn’t be difficult, provided you live in a city, or a town, or a township, or a borough, or a village, or an unincorporated hamlet. Bars are establishments where alcohol is served to adults over the age of 21. There should be a sign identifying it as such, but I make no promises. If you are in Merry Ol’ England, just replace all the above mentions of “bar” with “pub.” Make sure the venue you’ve chosen is not a restaurant, a stranger’s private residence, or an elementary school.

2. Enter the bar. There is most likely a door. Open it, by pushing or perhaps pulling.

3. Find a person to make out with. This should be someone you find attractive, who in turn finds you attractive and is also interested in the possibility of making out. (Alternately, repeat steps 1 and 2 with the person you’d like to make out with in tow.)

3. Put your mouth on his or her mouth.

4. Open your mouth, but not too much.

5. Do tongue and lip stuff.

6. Close your tab.