I have been to Walt Disney World almost 100 times (yes, really), and I refuse to believe it’s a place just for kids. In fact, if it were up to me, babies and toddlers would not be allowed in. (The strollers get in my way.) But just because they are, and just because Disney World is very family-centric, doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Like, fun fun. Wink wink ‘nawwhatimean? Here are the 10 places you can most likely hook up without getting booted out of the park, arrested, or thrown on the evening news. I said most likely. Can we add Disney to the list of 50 Places To Make Out Before You Die?
Disclaimer: Listen, there are cameras everywhere in Disney World. These are all risky options. Proceed with caution, whatever you do, and do not hold me responsible for anything that goes wrong. I do know the place inside out, but I also know you have to be super careful. Which makes Disney World an even better place to hook up if you love a rush. Also, I am being vague with the word “hook up” on purpose. Kiss, have sex, do whatever you can get away with. Just don’t tell me about it. I don’t want to know. (Justkiddingtotallytellmetellmetellme!)
The Layout: Part of the Haunted Mansion tour takes place in a Doom Buggy — a black shell-shaped moving car that takes two passengers throughout most of the ride. Since the ride is in the dark, it’s an excellent opportunity to get some private time. The buggies are large enough that once inside, you will be completely separated from the other riders.
Warning: At the end, the ride passes by a mirror, which openly displays the entire line of riders in their Doom Buggies. Just make sure you’re decent before you leave the graveyard — I’d suggest you start buttoning up when you see the statue busts singing “Grim Grinning Ghosts.”
Hook-Up Potential: 8
The Norway Movie
The Layout: The Norway Ride, located in EPCOT’s World Showcase, closes with a really boring movie about Norway.* After you file out of your Norwegian Viking boat, they usher you into a movie theater. Most everyone makes a beeline for the theater exit, although the Norwegian Disney cast members (Disney’s word for “employees”) encourage you to stay and even try to capture you inside. What I’m trying to say is this theater is almost always completely empty and if you stay you are guaranteed to some alone time. You might even learn something about Norway, too.
Warning: You have to be cagey. I think sometimes the Norwegian cast members watch the movie, too.
Hook-Up Potential: 4
*I am assuming it is boring as I have never seen it.
Your Resort Pool at 3 AM
The Layout: In the middle of the night, many of the pools stay open (“swim at your own risk”). You might think, “I bet lots of people use the pool at 3 AM because it is such a good idea!” but you’d be wrong. Most Disney guests are sleeping because their kids are going to wake them up, raring to go, at 5 AM. Some of the pools are totally sexy, too. The Polynesian one has a volcano, a waterfall, and zero depth entry. (Just don’t go down the water slide — they turn that sh*t off at night!) Some of the resort pools do close at night, but they are easy to break into if you are willing to climb through some bushes. I have done this and gotten caught before, and nobody cared. (They still let me come back. Many, many times.)
Warning: You do have to keep alert for roaming cast members, but that’s part of the fun, isn’t it?
Hook-Up Potential: 9
Related: 5 Kisses Everyone Should Master
The Layout: Since the Monorail only runs during the day, you won’t get any alone time in the dark. But the good thing is, once you’ve secured a car to yourself, there is no way anyone will be barging in on you. The resort monorail stops at the Polynesian, Contemporary, and Magic Kingdom, offering you a few minutes of privacy. The EPCOT monorail, however, goes from the Ticket and Transportation Center to EPCOT — a 15 minute (ish) ride.
Warning: The cars are divided in two. Make sure you get the whole car and not just one of the sections.
Hook-Up Potential: 9
Related: How To Initiate A Kiss
Mexico in General
The Layout: For several reasons, Mexico is a great place to explore. It’s dark inside the pavilion, even darker and more private on the Mexico boat ride, and nobody would notice if you found yourself a spot on the fountain. Plus, everyone is drunk there. Seriously — there are far fewer children or families. Start with a few Tequila shots and see where things lead.
Warning: Don’t get so drunk that totally inappropriate behavior seems okay. Think about the children.
Hook-Up Potential: 5
The Carousel Of Progress
The Layout: The Carousel Of Progress, built for the 1964 New York World’s Fair, is an attraction in The Magic Kingdom’s Tomorrowland that explores the excitement of living through technological advances (like electricity!) for a typical 20th century American family. Whateverwhateverwhatever, blahblahblah. Nobody goes on this ride. Ever. It’s actually a good ride, but not nearly exciting enough for a generation of kids weaned on XBOXes and The Avengers. I really can’t believe it’s still up and running. But Walt loved this ride, so make him proud and check it out. Don’t let Carousel of Progress die. (And remember: guaranteed privacy.)
Warning: The cast members might be so surprised that someone is going to The Carousel of Progress that they might watch you like you’re a caged zoo animal. Or, so many people will hear about the Carousel of Progress as a hot hook-up spot, that it will become some sort of hot-yet-shady sex pavilion. Or not — this is Disney.
Hook-Up Potential: 6
Related: Dating Don’ts: How NOT To Kiss
The Layout: Spaceship Earth takes you up two-by-two into the huge golf ball-looking thing that is the EPCOT mascot (and allow me to continue to show off my Disney geekiness — it was designed by Ray Bradbury), and it is one of my favorite rides. In 13 minutes it shows the advancements in human communication from the origins of prehistoric man to now (and even a bit into the future). That’s killing wooly mammoths to the world wide web. Hot. More importantly, you’re in the dark with all these sexy lasers, and a cute little seat for two. There is even this one part where it goes backwards, down a hill, and I am all like, “where is my mannnn, awww yeahhhh.”
Warning: Don’t get lost in the sexiness of the Phoenician section. Did you know they invented the alphabet to communicated with merchants and spread it around the Mediterranean world, where it was assimilated by many other cultures and evolved into what we know language to be today? That sh*t is crazy!
Hook-Up Potential: 9
Related: 4 Ways To Get Rid Of A Hickey
Tom Sawyer’s Island
The Layout: You have to take a raft to get there, but once you arrive, you are on a sexy island, relatively speaking. (By which I mean, it is an island with woods, and much less structure than the rest of the park.) I have smuggled alcohol into the Magic Kingdom before (the one park where alcohol is prohibited), and I must say, I think this would be a nice spot for a little picnic of wine, a blanket, and some smooching.
Warning: Keep it sort of G-rated because there are kids everywhere.
Hook-Up Level: 6
The Atlantic Dance Hall
The Layout: Disney World’s best kept secret is the Atlantic Dance Hall, located on the Boardwalk behind EPCOT (near the Boardwalk, Yacht and Beach Club Resorts). The huge art deco ballroom has a dace floor that stands before a big screen where they play (requestable) music videos — it’s kind of like Disney’s version of a nightclub — and it’s the only place on Disney property open late. I often just park myself in the seating area with a big ‘ol drink and stare at everyone dancing and watch old school hip-hop videos, but I have let loose here as well — it is a great place to dance. And this is one place nobody cares if you’re all over your boyfriend. Just hope you like doing it to the tune of Usher’s “Yeah” or “The Humpty Dance“. Because I guarantee you they will play those songs.
Warning: Nothing, really. They never request any of the songs I want. (They still try to keep things pretty clean.) But you’ll have a great time.
Hook-Up Potential: 9
Victoria & Albert’s
The Layout: I don’t recommend hooking up inside this fancy schmancy 5-Diamond restaurant in The Grand Floridian, but this is as romantic as it gets. Maybe even too romantic. Harps, roses — you might end up laughing at the cheesiness. But the food is damn good. (There is even a special tasting menu for vegetarians, which I love.) If a guy took me to Victoria & Alberts, I’d start taking my bra off on the way out the door.
Warning: Once again, don’t have sex in the restaurant. And if you do, do not tell them that I sent you.
Hook-Up Potential: 10