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An Open Letter to Jon Finkel: Let’s Make Out.

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Dear Jon Finkel,

Hi, how are you doing today? I imagine it’s been a rough week for you, what with a lady on the Internet publicly talking about how undateable you are and all. I can’t really imagine what that would feel like. So instead I’d like to present you a list. A list of why I think you and I should date. Or at least just make out a little.

1. I don’t know anything about Magic: The Gathering. But I find it interesting! I am really good at Uno and Apples to Apples and those are played with cards! So this could be a fun thing you share with me. I like learning new things!

2. It’s pretty admirable to be the World Champion of something. In fact, it’s a title to which I aspire. I had lofty aspirations to be the biathlon World Champion, but apparently that takes some level of athleticism and marksmanship? So that was not an obtainable goal. But you! A Champion! Mazel Tov, my friend.

3. Which brings me to my next point. I feel like our respective Jewish aunties would be delighted by our union.

4. Per the original article’s advice, I googled you. It turns out you travel to a lot of places to play this game? And, like, we’re not talking the Reno expo here, we’re talking Vienna. And Rio. And Kuala Lumpur. Anytime you want a friend to accompany you on those trips, Jon Finkel, you just let me know.

5. You have your own playing card? I mean, that’s just hot.

6. Okay, so the whole lets-take-a-girl-to-see-a-movie-about-a-serial-killer-on-the-first-date thing does make me a bit wary. But I took a boy to see an advanced screening of Doctor Who on a first date (he wasn’t into it!), so maybe we could find some middle ground?

7. You have this Magic thing going on – and I respect that! But I also have my own idiosyncrasies! Essentially, we could take that article about you, and make it about me by subbing “the Internet” in for “Magic: The Gathering.” Example: At dinner I got straight down to it. Did she still play on the Internet? “Yes.” Strike one. How often? “I just got back from an Internet trip.” Strike two. Who did she hang out with? “I’ve met all my best friends through the Internet.” Strike three. If you’re willing to put up with me, Jon Finkel, I’m willing to put up with you.

8. It’s true that the lady who wrote that piece about you probably did it just for page views. And I’m here to tell you that I’m here for the right reasons (Tyra save us all). I mean, I won’t knock the page views! But I think you’re charming. And interesting. So, how about we…. Go hunt some wizards together (did I say that right? Because I researched it, you guys, I really did).

Now, readers might tell you that I’ve had a moment-or-two where I’ve judged a person (are you guys ever going to let me forget about that whole dolphin art thing?!), but I can assure you that I would never, ever, judge you for being really great at something you obviously care about. We may not be meant to be, Jon Finkel, but I promise never to publicly admonish you based on something you actually care about.

Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.

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