Aside from the person we date, the next most important relationship many of us forge is the sports team we choose to root for. And much like the music you listen to, the team you cheer for reveals something about how you are in relationships*. Next time you’re meeting somebody for the first time, find out who they’re a fan of to help you decide if you should be a fan of them.
Dallas Cowboys: Your glory days were fueled exclusively by excessive confidence and lots of cocaine. Now that the ride is over, you’ve still got nice things but everything else is kind of sad.
Green Bay Packers: A good sharer and strong sense of community, you’re all about giving back. Oh, and also, you are drunk.
New York Jets: Woooooo!! Fuck yeah, me!! You got a fuggin’ problem, buddy!?!? That’s what I thought! M-E! Me! Me! Me!
New England Patriots: Just look at you—you’re beautiful, you play the game to perfection, and you’re certainly not going to let “having a heart” hold you back.
Chicago Bears: Lack of success certainly doesn’t prevent you from talking a big game, but like Jay Cutler, when it’s all said and done there’s a good chance you’re laying on your back with somebody 300 pounds on top of you.
Washington Redskins: Passion isn’t your problem, being a rational human being is.
Buffalo Bills: You poor thing, you’ve been heart broken so many times you’re not even sure what hope feels like anymore.
Philadelphia Eagles: From Philly, impressive on paper, kind of a disappointment? You don’t say?
LA Lakers: Showtime, you’re all about the glitz and the glamour, impressing somebody with who you know and what you have access to. In other words, soulless.
Miami Heat: When you enter a room everybody notices, and talking yourself up is not a problem at all. But let’s just say you have some finishing issues.
Dallas Mavericks: You’re living proof that age doesn’t mean you can’t make one last, big score.
Boston Celtics: Prior conquests are really what you’re known for. Present performance, not so much.
Phoenix Suns: You move fast and prefer a quick score to sound fundamentals.
San Francisco Giants: Fun loving and easy to like, but one day you’ll regret being so stoned for your greatest triumphs.
St. Louis Cardinals: Somewhat predictable; safe; maybe even boring at times. But damn if you don’t get the job done.
Chicago Cubs: Sympathy might be the best thing you’ve got going for you, but you’ve become so accustomed to being the loser it’s getting hard to even call you lovable anymore.
New York Yankees: Money, pride, experience—none of these are a problem for you. Performance when things matter most, that’s another story.
Texas Rangers: A small ballpark gives the illusion of a big stick.
Los Angeles Dodgers: It’s not entirely your fault, but you’re pretty much a mess.
Detroit Tigers: Like most of blue-collar America, you come with lowered standards.
Boston Red Sox: Longtime loser-turned-Prom King/Queen, once you found success everybody realized you’re just as big an ass as the rest of ‘em.
Soccer Fan: You’ve studied abroad, and you’re most definitely going to mention it on a first date.
Hockey Fan: You can appreciate some of the subtler things in life, but at the end of the day, you’re a hockey fan.
Brian Janosch works for The Onion and writes comedy. He dreams of the day @AaronRodgers12 deems one of his tweets belt-worthy. Follow Brian at @bjanosch.