12 Times You Won’t Meet Your Future Spouse at the Grocery Store

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Crystal Light has a new marketing campaign claiming you’re likely to meet your mate at the grocery store. You know, picking up all that Crystal Light you’re going to drink so you stay hot enough to marry him. Who hears wedding bells?!

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Jezebel is calling their bluff. They’ve emailed the company asking “seriously, how many people actually meet their partner at the grocery store?”

According to their source, it’s not many. But I’m on pins and needles to hear what the CL people shoot back with.

Based upon my own experience, I’d guess you’re not going to meet your mate at the store. Here’s why:

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-You’re wearing those Pink sweatpants from Victoria’s Secret.

-You’re buying an economy sized package of toilet paper.

-You’re in a bad mood (because you’re at the grocery story), and you’re being a B.

-You pull your wallet out of your purse and out falls your dirty underwear from when you were at the gym.

-You’re making a lot of unsexy grunting noises, because dang! That kitty litter bag is heavy!

-It’s Friday night and everyone is out. Like really out. Why aren’t you really out?

-You’re not drunk at the grocery store.

-The music in the background? Alanis Morisette. From her Jagged Little Pill era. That stuff makes you want to kick guys in the balls, not ask them out on dates.

-How on earth are you going to break the ice in the soup aisle?

-Playfully ramming into his cart only sounds like a good idea. He’ll think you’re insane.

-The grocery store is a place of relatively low human-to-human contact. Unless you hit someone in the parking lot or steal stuff from someone’s cart. (Please, don’t.)

-Bad lighting.

But God, I hope I’m wrong. I hope there are tons of sexy people at the grocery store, hauling crates of Crystal Light to their cars, winking, exchanging numbers, wondering what everyone looks like naked. I bet those people look good naked. And it’s got to be all that Crystal Light.


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