Why Celeste And Jesse Forever Might Be The Worst Date Movie + What You Should Watch This Weekend Instead

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Editor’s note: Meet Lindsey and Bobby, two pop culture fanatics who’ll be sharing their date night movie picks with us each week. Check back next Friday for more!

Bobby: Hey Lindsey. How was your week?

Lindsey: It was great. I saw none of the movies we spoke about last week, sadly. I am literally the only one left who hasn’t seen that Batman flick. I guess I’ll just watch Batman Forever again.

Bobby: So you’re not going to watch Salmon Fishing in the Yemen?

Lindsey: No, I’m not. But I bet you did? Alone?

Bobby: Shut up. I tried to get my roommates to watch it. They refused, so we watched What’s Your Number? instead. It was awful. Should’ve watched Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.

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Lindsey: I saw that get added to HBOGo! And normally I’m a huge fan of Anna Faris rom/coms. The House Bunny! etc. The number of what?

Bobby: People she’s had sex with in her lifetime.


Bobby: 20.

Lindsey: UH NOT A GOOD DATE MOVIE. We’ll cross that off the list. Moving on! What’s up for this weekend?

Bobby: Total Recall is the only thing that looks doable as a date movie, but your date either needs to be into action movies, Colin Farrell, Jessica Biel, Kate Beckinsale, or three-breasted women.

Lindsey: And if you discover your date is into three-breasted women, I guess you’ve achieved something there? Do we know if there is indeed an updated three-breasted woman in this updated film?

Bobby: Yep, it’s in the wikipedia.

Lindsey: Well that’s settled. Not quite a date movie.

Bobby: I think Colin Farrell is a great leading man, though.

Lindsey: Pretty sexy, if I RECALL.

Bobby: TOTAL fox.

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Lindsey: How does he match up against this weekend’s other LEADING MAN option? Andy Samberg in Celeste & Jesse Forever?

Bobby: I’m sure there are people who find him funny/charming, but I don’t care for him. Don’t even get me started on Rashida Jones. Not only does hearing her name put me to sleep, she’s kind of a terrible actress? And I don’t understand why that’s not mentioned more often?

Lindsey: That movie looks like a 500 Days of Summer relationship nightmare, no? I guess the idea is that they date, break up and try to get back together? Right? That’s probably not great for a first (or any) date?

Bobby: Yeah, it’s like Eternal Sunshine, but without the memory loss.

Lindsey: So if we’ve got a movie with three-breasted ladies vs. a movie with twee-ish sadness, which would you choose?

Bobby: I just can’t recommend Andy Samberg. And I definitely can’t recommend that horrible-looking new movie with Olivia Munn. The Babymakers. I think it has a 0% score on RottenTomatoes. Poor Paul Schneider — he just can’t catch a break.

Lindsey: Another premise that looks not encouraging for a date: “After failing to get his wife pregnant, a guy recruits his pals to steal the deposit he left at a sperm bank years ago.”

Bobby: Ah, but there are two GREAT movies at Film Forum this weekend.

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Lindsey: If you’re in NYC. And if your date has an attention span. And is kind of boring like you.

Bobby: It’s not boring, it’s Sirkian melodrama. Written on the Wind is about OIL BARONS and LOVE TRIANGLES and ALCOHOLISM and SEX and ROCK HUDSON. Magnificent Obsession is about A RICH PLAYBOY and BLINDNESS and DEATH and OBSESSION and LOVE and ROCK HUDSON.

Lindsey: I’ll take the three breasts. And some Junior Mints.

Lindsey Weber is a writer living in Brooklyn and her favorite part of You’ve Got Mail is when Dave Chappelle calls Meg Ryan “fine.”

Bobby Finger is (also) a writer living in a Brooklyn and his favorite part of You’ve Got Mail is anytime Steve Zahn enters a scene.