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Famous Writers’ Cosmo Tips

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Marilyn Monroe reading James Joyce’s Ulysses.

There are two types of people in this world — people like my friend Rob, who spend their free time reading Russian literature written in German on tree stumps for 8 hours. And people like me, who sometimes will read junky magazines for kicks on the Stairmaster. I’m telling you, it’s an important cultural study. I’m learning something and I’m not sure what it is, but I know it. I have always dreamed there was reading material that could bring Rob and I together, a place between where we could meet. See McSweeney’s Famous Writers’ Cosmo Tips. Which do you prefer?

William Shakespeare

Ladyes, thou dost little know the height of his love
When thou garbs’t thyself the morning after
In his manly apparel
Which serve only to heighten the fairness of thy
Beauteous, freckled bosom
And show the ripe perfections of thy legs
And cause great increase of desire in those vulgar parts
We shall not here name.

Ernest Hemingway

And you silently tipped the ice-cube down his shirt. The ice-cube was cold. His body was hot. The cold ice-cube felt good inside his shirt. He didn’t feel hot. The sun began to beat down on the man, and the shirt, and the ice. The ice-cube began to melt. It was not a bad feeling. It was a tingly feeling.

James Joyce

Little lace underthings most scrumsy, and little black dress allwhimsy, for the dinner, the stately sloshingdinner date, the tremblyponderousdinnerdate, the sighs, the frowns, the silences, the touching of hand to hand like mothfeelers under the shrinking tablecloth… ah the yesyeskissings on the doorstep! The retreatings! Muciny! O ciel!

The Bible: Book of James

O Daughter of Mary, begat by Jezebel and also Eve, arise, and go unto he who is waiting in the foyer. Remember that he who waits without is the truest lover. He who does not call is plagued by doubt, doubt that casts his mind into shadow. He who doubts is like the sea, eternally tossing, slave to each new wave of women that crosses his path. Yea, he is tempted by new daughters; he is a slave to empty desires. Avoid temptation, my daughter; avoid he who runs away; he who doubts. Rise up, my daughters and sing the praises of he who waits without.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Tell him Goodbye, goodbye forever, when your feet can no longer tread the waiting Road together! It is twilight and the shadows begin to grow long: a boyfriend would not come amiss in the great evenfall. But in that darkness when all things are forgotten, you shall still be consoled by the light of the Ring he gave you in a happier time, and return dignified: a great, a proud, a single woman.
See the rest here.

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