If Rap Genius Did ‘Date Genius’

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In which a first date unfolds, and Date Genius is there to interpret.

1. Hi there, Janeane?
2. Oh hey. Hi! Hi.
3. I’m so sorry I’m late.
4. It’s quite alright.
5. I got caught up at work and I, uh…
6. No no no, no worries.
7. How late am I?
8. About twenty minutes.
9. I apologize. I got caught up at work.
10. Oh yeah?
11. I’m a lawyer.
12. Oooo.
13. Yeah. Man, sometimes you’ve just got all that paperwork to do, you know?
14. Yeah. Paperwork.

Date Genius translation:

1. Michael has no idea who he is looking for on this blind date and has spotted a woman sitting alone at the bar. Incredibly, he picked the right one.
2. Janeane has been sitting here for twenty seven minutes by herself. If Michael had arrived any more than three minutes later, Janeane would have left. On the positive side, she had managed to use the time to beat her high score in Temple Run.
3. He’s not sorry.
4. It is not alright.
5. He’s scrambling.
9. Michael had, in actual fact, spent several minutes making crude photoshops for a Ron Paul facebook fan page.
12. Janeane has been a master at feigning interest since the age of 9, when she learned how to maintain eye contact while taking a mental leave of absence in Ms. Andrew’s English class.
13. Michael has not done any actual physical paperwork since June of 2009 when he used a stapler, once.
14. This is Janeane’s fifth first date in as many weeks. She will delete her OKCupid account the following afternoon.

The date continues:

15. Can I get you anything?
16. I’ll have a vodka soda, if you’re buying.
17. Sure thing. Bartender? A vodka soda for the lady, and for me a Stella Artois.
18. That’s a nice money clip.
19. Thanks! It’s Ralph Lauren.
20. Very nice.
21. Thank you. Here’s your drink.
22. …
23. I like your, your earrings.
24. Why, thank you.
25. I’m Mike.
26. Janeane.
27. That’s a beautiful name.
28. My parents named me after a friend of my Mom’s growing up.
29. I’m just named after my Grandpa.
30. That’s sweet.
31. So what do you do?
32. I’m a sous-chef, actually.
33. Wow! Where at?
34. Momofuku.


15. “Surely I can buy her affection with mid-range alcohol, right?”
16. “Make it a double. Make it a double.”
17. Unbeknownst to Michael, many ladies do not actually appreciate being referred to as “the lady”. Michael will not in his lifetime ever realize this or for that matter many other of life’s signals.
18. As nice as a money clip of a “$” sign can be, anyway.
19. via eBay
22. It is not a double. Jeaneae is severely disappointed.
23. Michael is struggling to find something to compliment her on. This is not her fault.
25. She knows this. It was on his dating profile.
26. Mike completely forgot.
27. Janeane has never, in her 28 years on this planet, heard someone say that about the name “Janeane” before.
28. It was actually her Mom’s dog, but Janeane’s mother has not spoken to her about this since the spring of 1994.
33. Mike has no idea what a sous-chef is.

Later on…

35. Very impressive. And what part of town is that in?
36. East Village.
37. Huh.
38. Yeah.
39. …
40. …
41. I work in Midtown east.
42. That’s great!
43. Where did you grow up?
44. I grew up in Maryland. My Dad was actually a fisherman, my Mom is still an
elementary school teacher.
45. Huh.
46. Yeah.
47. …
48. What about you?
49. I’m sorry. One second.
50. Oh, it’s quite alright.


35. Mike has no idea what she is talking about.
37. Mike has been to the East Villlage just once, two summers ago, when he “slummed it” with his friend Chaz who had been attempting, unsuccessfully, to sleep with a gallery owner at the time.
41. Mike finally gets a chance to talk about himself, however briefly.
45. Racking his brain to remember where Maryland is, Mike somehow forgets to listen to the rest of her sentence.
47. Mike is now getting out his phone.
50. It is not even in the same realm as the idea of a notion of a passing thought about “OK” to use your cell phone in the first ten minutes of a first date.

After that:

51. Just finishing up here.
52. It’s fine.
53. We’re working with this client. They’re a real pain in the ass. I feel like I’m always
54. This is a really good vodka-soda.
55. Just a second. Ok. Ok, I’m done.
56. Yay.
57. So, what do you do for fun?
58. Well, I like to read, and I jog, too. I have a dog. Sometimes he comes with me.
59. What’s his name?
60. Her name is Sandy.
61. That’s a beautiful name.
62. Thanks.
63. I have two cats, Simon and Patricia.
64. Go on…
65. I was raised in Arlington, Virginia. My father was in the army.
66. I would never have guessed.
67. He was a very disciplined man.
68. Interesting!
69. My mother was his secretary.
70. This sounds like Mad Men!
71. Sounds like what?
72. It’s a show.


51. Not even close to finishing up.
53. Mike is always working. Mike has no idea how to open up to people. This would
normally have been a shame if he had been a good person.
54. “And I’ll make you buy me 7 more of these, yeah?”
57. Statistically, this question has been the death of 86.2% of first dates.
61. At this point, Janeane wonders if this Mike character is some sort of performance
62. He isn’t.
63. Named after his grandparents, with whom he has a complicated relationship with.
67. Mike’s father was so deep in the closet that he was in Narnia.
69. She weeps constantly.

And finally:

73. Do you watch television? It’s such a great time for TV right now. Do you watch The
Big Bang Theory?
74. … I do not.
75. How can you say that you like television when you don’t watch The Big Bang
76. I guess I just never have the time!
77. Bazinga!
78. Oh that is hilarious!
79. Let’s cheers to that.
80. Lets.
81. The night is young!
82. Woo!


73. Friends say that Mike reacts to humor the same way that dogs react to cars
74. Janeane despises the show.
75. At this point, Janeane wonders how long it would take for her to walk to the door
and leave the sushi restaurant.
76. … for bad TV, anyway.
78. “Kill me now.”
80. “Please kill me.”
82. Within thirty five minutes, Janeane will fake a headache and leave Mike. Two weeks
to the day later, she goes on a successful date with a cute guy who works at a book
store in Brooklyn.