5 Reasons To Hook Up With A Royal

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Doo doo DO!

(The above words were supposed to read as the sounding of a trumpet. Moving along….) HAPPY DIAMOND JUBILEE TO QUEEN ELIZABETH II!

For those of you unaware of the event, here’s Wikipedia’s trusty definition: “The Diamond Jubilee of Queen Elizabeth II is a multinational celebration throughout 2012 marking the 60th anniversary of the accession of Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom to the thrones of seven countries upon the death of her father, King George VI, on 6 February 1952.”

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Well, good for Queen Elizabeth II. There’s been a whole lotta diplomatic business she’s had to manage, and that’s to say nothing of all that scepter-holding. Here at HowAboutWe, we thought we’d mark her grand achievement with an itemized list of what the upshots would be of nailing any number of her relatives. For that, my fellow Americans, is just how classy we are.


Financial security

Let’s start with the obvious, shall we? During the length of your, ahem, relationship with your royal, be it a night, a week, a lifetime (I realize, of course, the likelihood a future royal spouse is reading this is nil, but hey: A gal out to cover her bases) the odds are that your royal guy or gal-pal will pick up the check. Which, well, I don’t know how your finances are doing these days, but as far as I’m concerned, someone else picking up the check, guy, gal, whomevs, that’s never a problem.

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They’ll do what they’re told

There’s a code that goes into being a royal, and from what I can tell, it goes… a little something… like this: Smile, wave, do as you’re told. How fantastically tame is that! So tame. So very tame. If I tell a guy, “Go there. Further down. Do it that way,” and he graciously obliges, good god damn, I’m happy. My point is that royals have already been whipped and stirred and poured into their pretty outfits. They know how to behave, how to take an order.

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No waiting in line for the London Eye

Have you seen this thing? Amazing. The lines, though; like some Disney World, Six Flags business, I’m telling you. Straight-up hours worth of waiting. BUT NOT IF YOU’RE A ROYAL! And so: Should your sexual foray be either pre- or proceeded by a date activity, I’d go with this, a visit to the London Eye.


Crazy hats

British royals are always tooling around with one of those wonderfully eccentric hats. They look, I don’t know, like Tinkerbell made a pretty little sculpture, and plopped it on their head. What a fun treat to get to wear one, I say, and what better, more justified occasion than en route to your booty call with a prince!

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The chance to meet Prince Charles

If things go well between you and your royal booty-knock of choice, then maybe — just maybe — you’ll wind up seeing each other again. And maybe — just maybe — you’ll end up officially, like, dating, and then maybe — JUST MAYBE — you’ll get to meet Prince Charles. Let me take a moment to remind you why this would be, on no uncertain terms, amazing: Prince Charles famously wrote to Camilla Parker-Bowles: “I want to be reincarnated as your tampon.” Say what you will about the gross-out factor, but as far as dirty-talk goes, that is pretty gosh-darn original. Anyway, I think it’d be awesome to have the chance to meet Charles in person, and, when the appropriate moment arrived, to say, “I just want to say, your highness, that I really, really care about your son. I mean, well, if I may be so bold as to tell you: I want him to be reincarnated as my tampon. Frankly speaking, what woman wouldn’t? He’s a wonderful, wonderful guy.”

Sara Barron is the author of People Are Unappealing and the forthcoming Eating While Peeing: and other adventures.