Over the years, various studies have spouted all sorts of stuff about the health benefits of having a lifelong partner. Compared to bachelors and bachelorettes, hitched folks may be more likely to wear seatbelts, not drop dead from gout, buy bok choy, use Listerine, work the Sudoku, give up their dreams of becoming a drummer, and start reading Woman’s Day. The list goes on and on. But what about the things that aren’t particularly scientific or health-related that come with commitment? Here are a few of the lesser-named perks of being with someone for the long haul.
I Got Your Back
Do you know how difficult it is to attach a run-of-the-mill hand mirror to an unfolded wire hanger so you can see if that mole on your shoulder blade is suspect? It’s NOT easy. It takes way more masking tape than one might suspect. Not to mention, do you know how expensive and overall depressing it is to invest in a 360-degree mirror so you can see if those cargo pants make your backside look like a cargo hold? Not recommended.
Anyway, I hear some folks sign a marriage license just to have someone around to zip up their cocktail dress or fasten their necklace. I’m not saying you should jump into forever for that reason, but it is nice to have an extra person around who can give you an honest opinion on whether it’s your jeans making your ass look fat or if it’s your ASS making your ass look fat. (The correct answer is a handful of sapphires.)
I don’t know about you, but I have a lot of questions. What’s the population of Tokyo? How is salmon jerky made? Why isn’t Grover Cleveland on Mount Rushmore? Who dated Ryan Gosling in seventh grade? Is Suri Cruise a Gemini? Who the hell do you think you are? Where’s my next meal coming from?
This is another great thing about a committed relationship: whether your significant other likes it or not, he or she is going to take the place of Google for at least 80% of your inane inquiries. They may not know the answer, but you’re sure-as-hell asking. And it’s really kind of sweet if you think about it. Because during a side-by-side movie viewing on the couch, it’s so much more fun to ask a real person “who’s that guy who was in that thing that reminds me of that thing we saw last summer with that chick in it?” than it is to type that bullshit into Yahoo.
You and Me Against the World
The world is full of barely-functioning idiots that exist only to piss you off/almost cause a car crash/ruin the next election. Thank goodness for your mate. Because he or she is the only other normal person in the universe. And after a hard day of having to navigate a planet crawling with ingrates, isn’t it nice to come home to someone who understands your singular brilliance and competence? I’m so glad we found each other, Dear. Now, let’s huddle in our apartment and take solace in the fact that something soon will eliminate at least half of those bozos out there. Like maybe a meteor or another avian flu or a particularly fussy iTunes agreement. Hold me.
Sometimes, one person can’t quite justify eating an entire large pizza or snarfing down a whole can of refrigerated cinnamon rolls or finishing off a complete bottle of champagne. So, thank goodness for old Joe Schmoe over there in the recliner who shares the mortgage. Thanks to you, Sweetcheeks, I don’t feel so bad about buying that suitcase of Coors Light even if you don’t drink Coors Light. Bottoms up, Pardner.
When you’re single, it really sucks having to come up with new ways to get out of doing stuff you don’t want to do. It’s such a relief when someone starts sharing in/infringing on your social schedule. Because “Oh, sorry, I’d love to, but Frank has this work thingy we have to go to” sounds so much better than “Dangit, that’s the night I talk to my cat about who Ryan Gosling dated in seventh grade.”
In addition to backing out of weddings in Indiana, all sorts of other things can be blamed on significant others. It’s fun to discover just how many, such as a car that smells like feet or a cable bill that was never paid or “Oh, gosh! Look how messy this house is! Sheesh. That Juan. I can never get him to put his bras away.”
Divided by Two, This Mattress Is Still Obnoxiously Expensive
Most single people do not invest in a decent sleeping device. They succumb to futons and thin twin mattresses and love seats where they fall asleep under afghans crying to The Notebook. (How do I know that? I just do.)
Anyway. A long-term relationship is an excellent reason to finally go buy a Tempur-Pedic or something else made by Swedes/stuffed with baby geese/filled with space jelly. It’ll take you a long time to come to an agreement on something that’s in no way cheap (and, in the process, you’ll probably break up, get back together, get thrown out of a few Sealy stores, and come down with bedbugs), but, in the end, you’ll end up with a bed that is decent for someone who’s no longer (finally !) whoring around. And, yes. I’m talking to you.