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The Weirdest Things Our Dads Did Because They Were Uncomfortable Talking About Sex and Boys

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Father’s Day is coming up, which is a great time to reflect on everything our dads have done for us. For lots of (but not all) women, fathers weren’t exactly helpful in the boy department. But dads’ hearts are usually in the right place. It’s just really, really awkward for them to talk about this stuff. That’s why they end up doing stuff like this:

“My dad walked into the apartment my boyfriend and I now share and said ‘Wait, where’s Pete’s bedroom?’ And then laughed. And then slapped Pete on the back and said ‘I know you’re having sex with my daughter, I’m not an idiot.’ Things that he NEVER NEEDED TO SAY OUT LOUD. EVER.”

“When I was going through a pretty bad breakup with my last boyfriend, I met my dad for lunch and at the time pretty much anything could bring me to tears. So my dad, being the sensitive man he is, asked me what was wrong and I explained to him that I was going through a breakup. I said something about how he said he needed to be single to experience the world or whatever and my dad said, and I quote: ‘You need to stop dating these squishy f*cks. Find someone in the military.’”

Related: What 25 Years Of Dating Advice From My Mom Looks Like
“My dad wasn’t much of a talker or an advice giver when I was young (he is a man of few words), but he loved to ride me around town on his motorcycle and would offer me little bits of wisdom during our rides. He’d tell me stories about his relationship with my mom, before they were married and divorced. He’d talk about motorcycle trips with his buddies. And he told me two things about boys I’ve never forgotten: 1. Don’t ever get on a motorcycle with any guy except him, and 2. Boys are idiots until they are at least 25 (and he knows because, he says, he was an idiot until he was at least 25).”

“He hung up the phone every time a guy called, the entire time I lived at home, always. No matter what.”

“My father is a large, South Philly Italian American, and everyone suspects is in the mob (he’s not. I don’t think). First time he met a boyfriend (college) he said ‘Just so you know, for every tear you make my daughter shed, I’m taking a quart of blood.’ Then laughed and went ‘I’m kidding!’ Then stopped laughing and said ‘But seriously. Watch it.’”

“During Christmas break one year when I was in college, my roommate, her boyfriend, and another guy friend of ours came to stay at my parents’ house for a night. The boys were relegated to the basement, and to make sure they wouldn’t come upstairs while my parents were asleep, my dad hung reindeer bells on the doorknob. So embarrassing.”

“A guy picked me up in his dad’s powder blue ’67 Corvette on a summer night for a date. My dad came out and “had a talk with him” before he even let me out the door. I’m still not sure what he said, but something to the effect of, ‘If you hurt her, I — with all of them (gesturing to the front porch where he was sitting with some neighbors) — will kill you. That is a promise.’”

“I was living at home the summer after college and my boyfriend at the time would sometimes spend the night with me. We were having lunch one Sunday with my parents and their friends and my dad complained about being tired, because he was kept up all night by loud noises. My boyfriend was SO embarrassed and I vehemently denied any funny business. My dad laughed and said that was too bad, but he was talking about himself and my mom!”

Related: 5 Things About Dating That Get Better With Age
“When I was 16, I told my parents that I’d met a very nice boy at a school dance and asked him for his number (he had “Death Before Dishonor” tattooed on his stomach; how could I resist?). Dear old Dad said I should be careful about asking guys for their numbers, because, ‘You don’t want guys to think you’re easy. I mean, emotionally.’ Thanks for the heads up, Daddy.”

“My parents didn’t much like my first boyfriend even though I was over the moon. One day, my dad looked at me and said, ‘All I’m saying is, I don’t want ugly grandchildren.‘”

Related: “You’re Not Going To Find A Boyfriend In Pants That Tight” + 6 More Gay Dating Tips From My Mom
“I was seventeen and had come back from a date with my hair a bit mussed. A few days later, after my dad was driving me back from the doctor, he asked me if Kevin and I had been ‘wrestling’ in the backseat. He then went on to ask me if I’d been indulging in foreplay (his exact words, I shit you not). It was incredibly awkward but thanks, Daddy, for being open-minded.”

“My Dad always came outside to shake the hand of the guy driving (didn’t matter if it were a date or just a friend) and as if that weren’t bad enough he’d add, ‘There will be no drinking tonight right? Good. Make sure you wear that seat belt.’”

“When I got my first period my dad left me a huge piece of chocolate cake and a brand new pair of roller blades outside my room, as I sat on my bed weeping over the loss of my youth. That’s pretty awesome, actually.”

Related: Grandmas Are So Hot Right Now. (For Your Dating Life.)
“He still changes the subject when I talk about my boyfriend, who I’ve been living with for more than two years.”

“My dad came to visit me at my college for a weekend. Naturally, my roommates and I decided to throw a huge party the night before we were supposed to go to brunch (with my 8-year-old brother in tow). That morning, my little brother barged into my apartment, the floor of which was covered in solo cups, and the couches of which were occupied by a few male friends who didn’t make it home. Oh, and (inexplicably!) there was a stripper pole in the middle of the room. Hung over and embarrassed as all hell, I quickly ushered the little guy out before he could ask too many questions. I hoped my dad couldn’t see into the apartment, although I’m 99% he did. Good sport that he is, he didn’t say anything, but smiled knowingly.”

“I had a wonderful boyfriend in high school. He was smart, charming and a great golfer — my dad loved him! Unfortunately, we broke up when we went to college and obviously lost touch with each other’s families. My dad was heartbroken! He ran into this boyfriend one day in the supermarket in town and after catching up, asked him if he wanted to go golfing one day. The boyfriend declined, stating that it was too hard for him to stay in touch with my family. And then my dad cried in the supermarket!”

Related: 10 Signs It’s The Real Thing

“My Dad always called every guy that came over by their full name. You could introduce them as Rob, and he’d say, ‘Hello Robert.’ A subtle (or not so subtle) form of superiority and formality that he demanded.”

“When my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved into our first apartment together, I was pleasantly surprised at how supportive my Italian father of three girls was being. Until the end of the day, that is. He pulled my boyfriend and I aside and told us that this situation had better be temporary situation (i.e. that my boyfriend should put a ring on it) or else he would consider that the ‘milk was free’ and be very unhappy about it.”

“My dad would always tell me I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 40. And by then it wouldn’t matter because I was going to be in a convent anyway. He thinks I’m still a virgin.”

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