Paging Mrs. Robinson: 5 Inappropriate Crushes We’re Totally Cool Withby Lauren Passell on June 11, 2012
I may be a little old to be crushing on these… well, these boys. But I can’t help it. They are hot. So I’m giving myself (and you) a free pass to oogle these guys, keeping in mind the following rules: it doesn’t count as inappropriate if underage guys drink and smoke and act like adults, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if they’re in black and white, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if they are living in a Distopian world, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if the actors are no longer under-age, and last but not least, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if I just don’t care. And ladies and gentlemen, I just don’t care. So oogle away.
To anyone who was an 8-year-old girl the first time she saw Newsies and had pretty much zero film standards, it became an instant obsession. But watching Newsies as an adult is an eye-opening experience. Watching the boys shave and shower in the morning and get ready for their work day will make you feel like a pedophile. The boys are hot — something I didn’t realize when I was 8. Christian Bale (even with the grimy haircut), David Moscow, Gabriel Damon, Aaron Lohr. There is even something charming about the young Bill Pullman. In 1899, I would have shacked up with underage criminal boys with no future. We would have had to hook up in dark alleys because none of them had homes. It surely never would have led to anything serious, despite my hopes that it would. I can see myself crying in old-timey clothes, alone on a dark NYC corner. “He told me he loved me! I spent all of my money buying his newspapers for nothing!” I swear to God it is what Katy Perry was referring to when she wrote Teenage Dream. Let’s go all the way tonight, boys. We can dance until we die.
The appeal: They are such badasses.
The crush is okay because: since they drink and smoke and swear like sailors, they seem older than they are. Oh, and can we all agree to hate that girl, Sarah Jacobs, who got to kiss Christian Bale because who does she think she is?
You first read the book, The Outsiders, in 6th grade, perhaps? And you fell in love with Ponyboy Curtis, Dallas Winston, Darrel Curtis, Sodapop Curtis, Two-Bit Matthews, Steve Randal, et al. And then the movie came out! And suddenly you didn’t even have to read a book you just looked up and there they were. And it was better than you ever could have imagined. The cast is almost too good to be true — Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez, and Tom Cruise (much younger in 1983.) There is a reciting of the Robert Frost poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” which is beautiful. And I know S.E. Hinton, the author of the book, included that part just to make us all go, “these boys! they’re so rough yet sensitive too!” and it worked with me, so good job, Hinton.
The appeal: There is something really attractive thinking about dirty guys getting into rumbles and running away, and that is basically all the Outsiders do. Like the Newsies, they’ve had difficult lives, and my heart goes out to them. Between all the fighting and the poetry, they nail the swoony balance of tough and sweet.
The crush is okay because: It’s been almost 30 years — these actors are adults now.
Wally from Leave It To Beaver