Attraction

The ‘Perfect Girlfriend’ is a 5’5″ Brunette Teacher with 34C Boobs

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Tina Fey in Mean Girls

It’s official: I’m not the perfect girlfriend, and neither are you. The dating app Lovoo surveyed 2,000 British men — all of whom were surely 6’3″ Ryan Gosling-lookalike astronauts who can whip up an eight-course gourmet meal while simultaneously bringing you to orgasm — to find the most desirable attributes in a woman. Here are some of the (hilariously specific) characteristics that apparently constitute the feminine ideal:

  • Brunette
  • Stands 5’5″ and weighs 128 lbs
  • Wears a 34C bra
  • Works as a nurse or a teacher
  • Careful about her diet
  • Gets along with her mother
  • Sexually “adventurous”
  • No tattoos
  • Uses “subtle” makeup
  • Likes skinny jeans and miniskirts
  • Loves Game of Thrones and Dirty Dancing

What of us, we unhappy barren few, who don’t fit this profile? (Not only am I too tall, I’ll eat anything that stands still long enough.) Clearly, there is no hope. All is lost. Get us to a nunnery. Before I go, I’ve put together a list of qualities I look for in the perfect boyfriend:

  1. Would never make a list of dumb shit he looks for in the perfect girlfriend