No Thank You

Most Women Supposedly Want Botox For Valentine’s Day

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According to “research,” women would really like their man-friends to buy them cosmetic treatments for Valentine’s Day, with a full 78 percent claiming that they’d be “impressed” if their partners gave them the gift of botox. Impressed with what, they did not say — I was going to guess “impressed with their boyfriends’ profound douchiness” — but the Daily Mail suggests they meant the other kind of impressed. Like, the positive kind.

And apparently, botox isn’t the only V-Day approved cosmetic enhancement: the same survey suggested that non-botox dermal fillers also make great gifts for the ladies, as does tooth whitening. Not skin-tightening, though — the same study showed that while women want you to fix their teeth and faces for them, they will be very offended by romantic offers of laser hair removal, leg vein removal, and body-contouring.

Probably, if you’re thinking of giving your lady the gift of cosmetic procedures this Valentine’s Day, you should, you know, double-check with her first? Or better yet, wait for her to suggest the idea? Because while there is nothing inherently wrong with an aesthetic boost — there’s a time and a place for everything! people should get to feel as good about their looks as possible, whatever that means for them! — it’s maybe better not to celebrate your love by telling your partner she’s lookin’ a little worse for the wear. Plastic surgeons recommend that people thinking about giving aesthetic treatments “speak with their partner” to “make sure it is something they want,” which is a good idea. Another good idea? Chocolates. Flowers. Diamonds. Bunnies. A vacuum cleaner. Anything that is not plastic surgery.