5 Reasons Why Losing Google Reader Is As Bad As Any Breakup

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Ed. note: In case you haven’t heard, yesterday was Google Reader’s last day of existence, and hearts are breaking left and right.

1) Far too much time on hands now.

What’s one to do, how does one act in this world alone and adrift from what they once loved and cherished? They say that if you do something every day for 21 to 28 days it becomes a habit – so, be that a significant other or Google Reader, you’re likely to be itching for something else to fill your time. Eating, watching Netflix in bed, getting coffee… these are all things you used to do together… with Google Reader. What’s a Feedly Reader? Fuck that. You don’t know me like my reader did. I don’t want to have to start all over with some fresh-faced upstart.

2) Have to develop new relationships and repair old ones.
When one enters a relationship there’s an unspoken law that states that they must therefore lose some friends. There simply isn’t enough time in the day to maintain a large circle of friends AND maintain a healthy relationship. So for the last however many years, you’ve been spending time with this Google Reader, and now it’s gone. You have to go back to the real world. Hey, remember your buddy Facebook from a couple years ago? He sold the fuck out and all he talks about it memes and ads. MySpace? Why, he’s broke as hell, man… it ain’t 2007 anymore. But if you want something even close to what you used to have, you’re gonna have to get reacquainted with one of them. You’re going to have to get out there and meet new things. I heard this Digg fella is nice. Sure, he may not know just where and how you like it after YEARS AND YEARS TOGETHER, but hey, it’s a start. Might do for now.

3) Overall happiness level lowered.
Every regular Google Reader user had spent countless hours laughing, crying, and exploring the world with that fucking Reader. And now it’s gone. And now you’re going to have to check Twitter and Google Plus like everyone else. We and Reader had something special, goddamit.

4) A thousand little memories.
A relationship isn’t just any one thing – it’s hundreds or thousands of little things rolled into one. Remembers the first time you saw “David goes the dentist” on your reader? Remember “Chocolate Rain”? How about “Grumpy Cat”? Have you ever had to walk by the restaurant you took your ex to? That shit hurts, man.

Welp, not to get all Clark Griswold on ya, but (spins chair around and sits on it backwards to face you) the best thing about memories is making new ones, kiddo. One day you’ll be able to look at “Unflattering Beyonce” and laugh without thinking of pressing the J or K to scroll up and down… don’t remind me…

5) Getting back in the game.
Give it some time. Know that you will move on and get better one day. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon. Sure, you loved Reader. We all did. In fact, hardly anyone had a bad thing to say about it. But you know what? Just let it go. Accept the good times you had and move on dot org, amigo. You’re gonna be just fine on your own. You’ll find another reader. It might not be like Google Reader, heck, it might be something completely different, but one day – one day – you’ll find what you’re looking for. Actually, you won’t find what you’re looking for, because nothing had as a good a search function as my Google Reader. Goddammit.

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