Let me update you on the decline of Western Civilation: people are apparently picking what type of dog to get based on what is considered to be a “date-bait breed,” — aka dogs that are somehow deemed the most likely to get you a date.
(What makes a dog “date-bait?” I’m not sure but someone on Twitter just told me that “the bigger the dog, the larger the apartment,” so I guess that’s a factor.)
1. Golden Retrievers (because they’re cuddly and non-threatening)
2. Scruffy Terrier Mix (“bonus points if the dog came from a shelter with a sad story”) (Authors note: Christ.)
3. Collie (“Especially if you’re looking for a love over 40”) (Authors note: ???)
4. Labrador Retriever (“Half of America has a story about a Labrador they once loved, and will share it as they pet your dog”)
5. Pug (“Very hip thanks to the Men in Black movies”)
6. Saint Bernard
7. Tiny Dog with Big Confidence
8. Beagle (“kind of a Midwestern working-guy dog in a convenient package”)
9. Old English Sheepdog
10. Afghan Hound (“Elegant, aloof and hairy.”)
…and people say cat lovers are crazy.
Anyway, there you have it, people. Print this out, run to your local pound, and watch the dates come rollin’ in.