Bravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male profiles two eligible bachelors a week, following them through the good, the bad, and the sexy of meeting potentially murder-y strangers from the Internet. Here’s everyone you need to know from the fourth episode.
Davey, 30 (DaveyWavey)
Davey Wavey is a professional YouTube personality, which is somehow a viable occupation, because we live in the future. His primary interests include penis size, photos of penises, jokes about penises, and penises. Davey’s hoping to find a relationship with substance. Also, penises.
Choice Quote: “Penis penis penis penis penis.”
Travis, 36 (Sharkness77)
Travis is still a virgin. As you might expect, he is very, very, very Christian. He wants to find an equally devout wife who shares his hobbies (besides Jesus: extreme sports, fitness, making incredibly boring conversation). Travis, why are you on this show? Have you seen Bravo?
Choice Quote: “I want my next first kiss to be at the altar.”
The Girls (and Other Guys)
Caitlin (hobbesgfyl24) — Travis’ date
Caitlin approaches this date like she’s in a terrible one-woman improv troupe. (I suspect that, off-screen, Caitlin does terrible improv.) She makes a point of regularly reminding you of her breasts, in case you forgot they were there. She laughs hysterically when Travis tells her he’s a virgin. End date.
Aldo (aldocouture) — Davey’s date
Aldo is a stylist who’s worked with the Real Housewives franchise, which is one of the main application requirements for automatically becoming my best friend. He’s too high energy for Davey, but I’m glad we got to see him twerk.
Kaeli (KTexasGirl) — Travis’ date
At first, Kaeli seems like Travis’ soulmate — if only because she, too, is a virgin. But when she asks him about his stance on marriage equality, things get ugly. (Spoiler: 36-year-old conservative Christian virgins tend not to be suuuuper open-minded.) Kaeli ditches their lunch date. Good for you, lady.
Travis (Wordsmith1987) — Davey’s date
Travis is hot, but a) he’s pretty obviously in love with his ex and b) he’s expecting a child with a lesbian couple. It doesn’t help that he seems to actively dislike Davey. It is not a love connection.
Doug (DJDoug) — Davey’s date
Oh, Doug. He’s handsome and sane and just a little bit older than Davey, who’s inexplicably turned off by the fact that Doug and his friends have a game night. Uh, you done goofed, Davey.
Doug’s twin brother
Davey creeps Doug and his gay twin brother out with his twincest fantasies that, frankly, no one needed to hear about. (That said, y’all sure you don’t have a straight triplet kicking around somewhere?)
Lareya (Mermaid9) — Travis’ date
Lareya is a sweet, pretty lady who — despite her own discomfort with religion — listens respectfully to Travis’ views. There is no chemistry between them, but the narrative structure of the episode is clearly desperate for you to believe that there is. (But trust me: there isn’t.)
Arthur (arthurgrabme) — Davey’s date
At last, a match! Like Davey, Arthur is a teetotaling Grindr addict — they even look alike. See? Opposites don’t attract.
Arthur heads back to Davey’s place for dick and dessert. Travis and Lareya vaguely make plans for a second date that will obviously never happen.
Online Dating Rituals of the American Male airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. EST. For more, visit Bravotv.com, where I’ll be sharing commentary on each episode.