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Your Field Guide to the Native Species of Bravo’s ‘Online Dating Rituals of the American Male’ (Episode Three)

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Matt and Lindsey

Bravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male profiles two eligible bachelors a week, following them through the good, the bad, and the sexy of meeting potentially murder-y strangers from the Internet. Here’s everyone you need to know from the third episode.

The Guys

Jason, 33 (ZackAttack8)

Jason

This tiny, handsome man works as a writer and director (though I highly doubt you’ll ever hear of him outside the context of this show). Despite Jason’s avowed fondness for porny Pam Anderson types, his friends want him to date a non-crazy woman who shares his Midwestern roots. He seems like a nice person and I wish him well. Fun fact: Jason once had an uncredited role on Dexter as a stripper.

Personality: 6.5
Looks: 7
Choice Quote: “I feel like I do have intuitive sense of comedic timing.” [Crickets.]

Matt, 27 (Blowmeaway)

Matt

Matt — following in the footsteps of Brian, the douche who looked like David Boreanaz’s weird cousin, and the unsinkable Primetime Alex Stein before him — is clearly trying to play this episode’s villain, but he isn’t very good at it. He’s a “millionaire” businessman who owns dozens of insurance agencies, which I didn’t realize was a kind of thing people could do, but there you go. Matt travels a lot for work, and wherever he goes, he’ll blast 50 e-mails out to “all the hot girls” who live in that city. With, um, mixed results. For someone who obviously fancies himself quite a Casanova, he’s a mediocre flirt at best. It only takes a few seconds for that fake laugh to get rull, rull grating.

Personality: 3
Looks: 6
Choice Quote: “Do I really want a girl who likes me for my watch? Yeah, I do.”

Kevin — Jason’s dog

Kevin

Jason’s fuzzball of a “life partner” is so cute I can’t physically handle it. If you watch just one episode of Online Dating, let it be this one – for Kevin.

The Girls

Lindsey (LindseyAshley) — Matt’s date

Lindsey

I like Lindsey immediately because she’s the first woman to show up for a date on this program wearing something other than sky-high heels. (IT HAPPENED TO ME: I’m tall and clumsy.) I like her even more when, after smooching Matt in the car, she insists he take her home.

Erika (Erikarose) — Jason’s date

Erika

Erika is beautiful, but perhaps not the most intelligent person you’ll ever meet. She regales Jason with tales of her ex, who requested that she pee on his face during sex. She also threatens to puke on him and alludes to the fact that we’re living in the “20th century.” Jason probably dodged a bullet on this one.

Emily (yogibee8) — Jason’s date

Emily

Emily is a lovely, insane person who believes that she is from another planet and that her dog is her soulmate, brought into existence specifically to accompany her through life. She praises Jason’s aura, but their dog park date is not a love connection.

Ornella (Nelly_Love) — Matt’s date

Ornella

Ornella rolls up to the driving range in head-to-toe leather, which is an interesting choice. Matt’s non-stop, mostly nonsensical sexual innuendos piss her off, and she soon announces that she doesn’t like his face. He pretends to receive an urgent text and bounces early, lucky for her.

Candis (Malibucandis) — Jason’s date

Candis

Oh, Candis. Oh, oh, Candis. Jason is expecting a 36-year-old, but what he gets is a 50-year-old mother of six. She is giggly and nuts and her cleavage is, in Jason’s words, “cartoonish.” I’m honestly disappointed that her predatory seduction campaign fails. (Astute cable viewers will recognize Candis from a teeny, tiny part she played in the funeral home episode of Comedy Central’s Nathan for You.)

Allie (Allie99) — Matt’s date

Allie

Allie is a bartender who, unfortunately for all parties involved, bears a striking resemblance to Matt’s sister. In the first of three consecutive dates Matt’s lined up for a single night, they drink in a limo and also in a bar, then part ways.

Joanne (Rbbeachbbe) — Matt’s date

Joanne

Woe is Joanne, whose (surprisingly) pleasant conversation with Matt is cut short when Lauren arrives early for her own date. She leaves, cursing out the “fucking asshole” for ditching her. Good for you, lady.

Renee (PetiteThg) — Jason’s date

Renee

Jason and Renee seem mutually smitten. She’s a Michigan native with a Jennifer Aniston look (at least, according to Jason.) Renee’s obsession with her dogs — “I worship the ground they pee on” — is borderline alarming, much like Jason’s with his beloved Kevin. They’re cute together.

Lauren (LA_NYbella) — Matt’s date

Lauren

Lauren’s nude lipstick deeply disturbs me (where is your mouth? do you have a mouth?), but cheers to her for declining to spend the night with Matt.

The Results

Matt wakes up alone, gracing us with a very unwelcome shirtless morning selfie from his hotel room bed. Jason and Renee happily kiss at the end of their date, and are by now presumably married with three kids.

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. EST. For more, visit Bravotv.com, where I’ll be sharing commentary on each episode.