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Your Field Guide to the Native Species of Bravo’s ‘Online Dating Rituals of the American Male’ (Episode Two)

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Emma and Ephraim first kiss

Bravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male profiles two eligible bachelors a week, following them through the good, the bad, and the sexy of meeting potentially murder-y strangers from the Internet. Here’s everyone you need to know from the second episode.

The Guys

Brian, 33 (Brian_Dreams)

Brian

Brian is a real estate agent and artist who loves art and and has he mentioned art, because art is his passion? He makes my skin crawl. His opinion of himself could not be higher, and his primary mode of flirtation is essentially incoherent rudeness. I’m genuinely unclear on whether that’s because he’s a fundamentally mean person, a fundamentally stupid person, or both. As far as I’m concerned, Brian is actually less dateable than the premiere episode’s notorious Primetime Alex Stein.

Personality: 2
Looks: 7
Choice Quote: “With the dick pics, it’s all about the lighting. I set up a little studio.”

Ephraim, 33 (SweetSmartDork)

Ephraim

Ephraim is a single dad with one son, 8-year-old Ben. He seems like a nice person — and, thanks to the gratuitous shower scenes, I can confirm that he has a deceptively good body — but dear god is this man annoying. Online, he goes by the handle “SweetSmartDork.” Offline, he refers to himself as a “dork” approximately every 30 seconds. We get it, Ephraim. Boy, do we get it.

Personality: 4
Looks:
5.5
Choice Quote
“Holy ginger snaps, Batman.”

Peter — Ephraim’s dad

Peter

Peter’s ailing health led him to move in with Ephraim and Ben. He enjoys browsing profiles with his son, offering thoughtful paternal commentary like “Let’s see that booty.” Please, Bravo, give this man a show immediately.

The Girls

Mara (skyla00) — Brian’s date

Mara

After alienating Mara at an art gallery, Brian takes her to his sisters’ house without explanation. “This really allows me to penetrate her,” he tells us. “Psychologically.” Mara, if this happens again, text me your current location and I will alert the authorities.

Erica and Madeline — Brian’s sisters

Erica and Madeline

How do these charming, sensible women have any genetic material in common with Brian? “I’d rather date his sisters,” Mara says. I call dibs on their Pomeranian.

Alyssa (Lyss1979) — Ephraim’s date

Alyssa

Alyssa caught Ephraim’s attention because she called herself a dork on her profile. Fatal mistake, lady. Throughout their mini-golf date, she seems exhausted by his constant stream of self-deprecation and Wacky Zingers. “So many jokes,” she sighs.

Nina (ninaswan) — Brian’s date

Nina

Amazingly, the producers managed to find a woman who could make Brian seem likable by comparison. This Russian beauty throws a hissy fit when he takes her to a painting class. “My parents support me,” Nina tells him. “Everything I’ve done in my life has been for pleasure.” This is the actual exchange that concludes their date: “We should do this again some time.” “No, I don’t feel like doing this again at all.” “I feel the same way.”

Dahlia (DestinyLA) — Ephraim’s date

Dahlia

Dahlia, a blonde in her profile photos, turns up at their date a redhead. She reveals that she’s a professional erotica writer, and reads to Ephraim from her latest novel. He giggles and turns beet red. I know Ephraim has a son, but is it possible that — through some miracle of reproductive science — he’s still a virgin?

Keather (Keather24) — Brian’s date

Keather

Brian meets Keather (lovely gal, terrible name) at a rose garden. They walk around. Brian asks if she’d consider plastic surgery. They get doused by sprinklers. End date.

Emma (sosoez) — Ephraim’s date

Emma

Emma is sweet, and actually seems just as goofy as Ephraim. Needless to say, she’s utterly, girlishly infatuated with him. After he (unsuccessfully) challenges her to a thumb war, she clings to his hand for the rest of the night. Hope you’re ready for some baby brothers and sisters, Ben.

Vera (verao) — Brian’s date

Vera

Brian took Vera on a date in the recent past. Early in the episode, she angrily texts him about how he hasn’t called her since. He doesn’t seem to give a shit. But at some point he decides that, no, he’s not ambivalent towards Vera: he really, really likes her. In fact, he really, really likes her enough for — gasp! — a second date. He invites her over for dinner.

The Results

Brian and Vera decide they are dating, sort of? I don’t know. I’m not sure they know. In less ambiguously happy news, Emma and Ephraim share an adorably awkward kiss.

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male airs Thursdays at 10 p.m. EST. For more, visit Bravotv.com, where I’ll be sharing commentary on each episode.