Charles Manson has been behind bars since 1971. But even now, at 79, America’s favorite psychopath slash environmentalist has apparently still got it — he’s engaged to a 25-year-old woman. Known only as Star, the blushing bride-to-be has corresponded with Manson by mail since she was only 19.
Hi, Star? Nice to meet you. We need to talk.
1. He murdered people. So many people. In the late 1960s, Manson orchestrated the deaths of at least seven victims, including actress Sharon Tate (who was eight months pregnant), and probably many more. One of his followers, Squeaky Fromme, even attempted to assassinate Gerald Ford in 1975.
2. You’re marrying into quite a Family. Manson’s best pals — or, you know, “profoundly brainwashed kill-buddies” — tend to be homicidal nutjobs. Your parents are losing a daughter, gaining a cult. Expect them at your house for Thanksgiving.
3. He carved a swastika on his face. No, not tattooed. Carved.
4. You’ll have a hell of time choosing a first dance song for your wedding, considering your fiancé interpreted the Beatles’ “Helter Skelter” as personal message instructing him to incite a global race war. It’s unclear how he’ll take to Taylor Swift.
5. I hate to harp on this, but I feel like I should probably mention the murders again?
6. Manson gets more mail than any prisoner in America — including tons of love letters from deeply misguided young ladies like yourself. You’re definitely a one, Star, but can you be sure that you’re the one?
7. There are good beards, and there are bad beards. Manson’s 40-years-in-jail beard falls squarely in the latter category.
8. Unless everybody in America takes two handfuls of forget-me-nows, Charlie isn’t getting paroled any time soon. A husband in prison, really, girl? Have you learned nothing from Piper and Larry?
9. Then there’s the age difference. When you’re 30, he’ll be 84. When you’re 50, he’ll be super dead. (Also, still a psychopath.)
10. The murders. But, for real, though.