I watch a lot of sports, which — as a lady — gives me unusual insight into TV ads targeted towards men. I’m continually amazed by the proportion of NFL airtime devoted to jewelry commercials, particularly for Kay and Jared, the Galleria of Jewelry (best enjoyed with champagne, the Galleria of Beverages). I’m even more amazed by the blatant hideousness of the products they’re hawking.
Dudes, consider this an intervention. If you want to buy your ladyfriend some bling, ask her what she likes. Don’t trust the advice of an underpaid actor with an ugly chain and an uglier perm. Here are three of most egregious offenders to avoid at all costs.
Le Vian Chocolate Diamonds
“Excuse me, ma’am, but your otherwise expensive-looking jewels appear to have been smeared with feces.”
Plain and simple, this is a scam. Le Vian boasts that they are “the only company on earth to make jewelry with Chocolate Diamonds,” and with good reason. Chocolate diamonds — or, you know, brown diamonds — are the most common variety found in nature. Most of these unsightly specimens are relegated to industrial usage. Until the mid-1980s, they were almost always deemed far too impure for commercial sale as jewelry. Why? They nasty. But thanks to the gimmick of Chocolate Diamonds, Le Vian has found a clever way to pawn off all its garbage gemstones on you at a premium.
The “chocolate” branding itself is more than a little sexist. I’d love to have been a fly on the wall of the marketing meeting where this was first pitched. “Ladies love chocolate! Oh, those crazy gals, what with their hairbrushes, lipsticks, and insufficient representation in government.”
Coming next year: Le Vian’s Diamond-Encrusted Keepsake Tampon®.
Pandora Charm Bracelets
For the grown woman with the fashion sense of a small, garish child.
I am mystified by the suggestion that any adult person would wear this on her body, though I certainly understand why Pandora’s thrilled about the product. It’s a brilliant business model, in that consumers are encouraged to buy more and more individual charms — from $25 to $845, they come in gold, silver, glass, wood, and enamel — to customize their bracelets. Charm styles include a koala, a frog prince, a football helmet, a shuttlecock, a ghost, and a monkey, because of course.
If you’ve seen Pandora’s commercials, you’ll know why the phrase “red hot love bead” makes me long for death’s sweet embrace.
Open Hearts by Jane Seymour
But — butts?
Jane Seymour is a beautiful lady with a beautiful accent. That doesn’t mean you can trust her. See, these aren’t hearts. These are two butts. That’s all they are.
Nobody wants a butt on her neck. That’s not where butts go.