Oh, I’m sorry, you have a little something on your lip. No, no – it’s still there. No, to the right. A little higher. Yeah, that’s it. Your mustache.
And guess what? I love it.
That’s right! It’s officially the most wonderful time of the year: Movember. That special time when men all over the world band together to raise awareness for prostate cancer, testicular cancer, and male mental health challenges by growing out those wiry whiskers that live just above their top lips.
My passion for that sexy crumb catcher goes beyond this month-long facial hair fest. All year ‘round, I can’t get enough of that ‘stache.
Perhaps one of the most appealing aspects of this hairy accessory is the fact that not every man can pull it off. And please, if you’re worried you can’t pull it off, don’t even try. A real mustache man does not second guess his choices. Ever. Do you think Burt Reynolds sits around on a Sunday afternoon asking himself if he should shave off his mustache? No, of course not. Instead, he spends that time getting some ill-advised plastic surgery, but even his new (unrecognizable) face still rocks a hardcore ‘stache.
Popular among 1970s male porn stars and made even more sexual by Tom Selleck, the mustache still reigns as king over all the other types of facial hair. Sure, a beard might work for you (which means you’re hideous and we’d prefer to see less of your face) but a mustache shows me that you have confidence. And a jawline.
Oh sure, beardos, I have no doubt that your fellow Dungeons or Dragons practitioners claim that your patchy scruffle makes you look like “a real stud” but that compliment, when coming from other virgins, just does not hold a ton of weight.
Which brings me to my next point. Let’s say that we met at a bar or a party or on Twitter. Those are literally my three favorite places to enjoy a good, strong cocktail. When I drink, I often don’t remember faces. Okay, that’s a lie. I never remember faces. Or names. Or anything that you told me “in confidence” unless it was particularly hilarious. But A physical identifier like – oh, I don’t know – an incredibly bold patch of confidence under your nose will help me to remember your handsome face.
That furry lip ornament will ultimately spare me from searching the bar frantically for someone who I can only recall reminded me of Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, but with more facial hair. Or from giving you some sort of nightmarish nickname like, “Baby Gap,” based purely on the fact that your sweater looks like it was created for an infant. No, your nickname can be “Mustache Guy.” In fact, that’s how you’re going in my phone when I get your number (and I will ask). “Joe Mustache” it will say when you call (and you will call).
Romantically speaking, it’s just really fun to kiss a guy who is rocking a mustache. I haven’t done any research in this area, but I assume Princess Peach loved nothing more than to slide down a tunnel to meet Mario for a secret make out sesh. In addition to elevating the atmosphere to a Selleck-level of sex appeal, it really tickles! (Even down there!) This is a great time of year to be kissing some ‘staches, too. Those neatly trimmed bristles work perfectly as tiny gentle exfoliators for your face. Effective, efficient, and adorable.
A well-kept handlebar or pencil also indicates to me that you are the type of man who takes hygiene seriously. A mustache worth keeping takes grooming, and while I don’t want you to spend more time in the bathroom than I do, it’s always reassuring to see that you realize that other people can see your face during the day.
If you haven’t started growing out your manly game piece to compete in this year’s Movember yet, there’s still time. And if you’re worried you’re going to look stupid, then step aside. You’re blocking my view of the real men.
Images via Instagram, Veer