Opinion

Now That It Allows Gay Marriage, New Jersey Is the Best Place on Earth

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Hear those wedding bells, America? That’s the sound of New Jersey marrying the thousands of same sex couples who’ve waited way too damn long for this day to come. At exactly 12:01 this morning, gay couples began enjoying the same privilege of marriage that should never have been denied to them in the first place. Today I am especially proud to be from New Jersey, a state you are officially no longer allowed to say is the worst state in America.

I can hear you laughing. “But Laura, it’s so stinky there and your governor is a Republican fatso who did everything he could to delay same-sex marriage!” Yes, I’ll give you that: our governor has decided that someday he will run for President and therefore must be against gay marriage. But the truth is, New Jersey’s all about gay marriage, which is why the NJ Supreme Court shut Governor Christie’s BS down real fast, thus allowing our state to move into the future with the likes of Vermont, Iowa, New York, and a handful of others.

As for the stink, I guarantee that your state has factories and refineries that are just as ugly as they are offensive to your delicate little noses, they just aren’t located right next to your International Airport. So sue us, we had to put all those things near the Hudson River for business purposes, okay? And then trash us because everyone drives through our state past said airport and industry and you’re from some little backwater that isn’t even on the road to anywhere nicer.

New Jersey is racially and socioeconomically diverse. New Jersey has culture, it has cities, it has farms, it has Pine Barrens, it has seriously great malls (so many malls), it has full service gas stations by law, it has rivers, lakes, and beaches all packed into one tiny state.

“But Laura, I watched the Jersey Shore! Those people are awful!” Yes, the people on the Jersey Shore are terrible, hilarious caricatures, but only one of them is from New Jersey. Yes, Seaside Heights, New Jersey, where the show was filmed does attract the Guidous Americanus in all of its strains from the tri-state area and is kind of a dump. I went there after prom and stayed at a place called the Gangplank Motel, whose rooms had nothing but a prison bed with a single bare light bulb that never stopped swaying, most likely due to the fact that the place was slowly caving in. But it’s a fun dump with a great boardwalk and great people watching. Well, at least it was until Hurricane Sandy blew it away and then a fire burned down the rest. You should speak no ill of the dead, and that goes for trashy resort towns too.

And Seaside Heights is but one tiny cross section of our wonderfully diverse shore: Spring Lake, Mantoloking, Avalon, Long Beach Island, Wildwood, Cape May – they’re varied, they’re beautiful, they aren’t trying so hard like the Hamptons. The beaches are wide, and they do that cool thing where it stays shallow really far out, which is great for standing around and drinking in the water. And the shore still managed to be amazing this summer, despite recovering from a massive hurricane, because literally nothing can get between New Jerseyans and their beloved shore summers.

New Jersey is racially and socioeconomically diverse. New Jersey has culture, it has cities, it has farms, it has Pine Barrens, it has seriously great malls (so many malls), it has full service gas stations by law, it has rivers, lakes, and beaches all packed into one tiny state.

And now it has gay marriage, it has progress, it has a foot in the right direction. I mean how many musicians do you need to be totally obsessed with New Jersey before you believe us? Are Bon Jovi and Springsteen not enough for you people? Yes, Jersey has some totally shit areas but don’t you dare even tell me your state doesn’t. I went to Missouri a few weeks ago and I vote they’re the new New Jersey. Let’s make them the butt of all the jokes and the subject of a million stereotypes. They have banned gay marriage, have the highest number of meth lab busts in the country, and their state is covered in gas stations called Kum & Go. I mean, really. And if someone from New Jersey can make fun of your state, then you know it’s gotta be hard up.

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