The perfect song can make or kill the mood for a fantastic make-out session. There are way too many bad make-out songs to name, but I calculate that if you nix these 10 from your iTune playlist, your chances of having an amazing hook-up will increase at least 8%.
1. Whip My Hair, Willow Smith
Wasn’t Willow Smith like 9 when she did this? It should be illegal to listen to this while you’re hooking up. I mean, if you’re into that sort of thing, there might be something wrong with you.
2. I’ll Be There For You, The Rembrants
I bet you didn’t know this song had like 80 verses, but it does. And they are all as mind-numbing as they were in 1994 when you used to watch Friends. Even if you like Friends. And even if you loved this song in 1996. You should not make out to this song. It’s time to grow up.
This song makes me think I’m going slowly insane — it does not bring out the sexy in me.
4. Bridgette, The D.O.C.
Wow. I don’t know who Bridgette is, or where she is now, but I bet you hope she stays away from your penis. The D.O.C. clearly weren’t going for a mood-setting hit when they penned this one, but they seem to have gotten off some steam.
The only people who like this song are hyper sixteen-year-olds at birthday parties. I can picture myself babysitting at Chuck E Cheese to this song or getting lost in a carnival to this song, but not making out to this song. Oh my God, just don’t even click that play button.
6. I Cum Blood, Cannibal Corpse
Or anything by Cannibal Corpse, turns out.
7. You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, Aretha Franklin
My man makes me feel like a natural woman, but I don’t want him to know that!
8. You Can Leave Your Hat On, Joe Cocker
If I was over at Joe Cocker’s apartment and he winked at me and said, “hey baby you can leave your hat on,” I would run screaming out the window. If I was over at some hot guy’s apartment and he did the same thing, I would still be fuh-reaked, but I would probably make out with him for a little while.
9. This Afternoon, Nickelback
Wow, what happened to Nickelback? They used to be so… wait. No, no they didn’t. But this song must be their rock bottom. If I was at a guy’s place and he turned this on, I would need to have a conversation with him, and I’d have to seriously reconsider our relationship.
All I have to say is: “Havin’ my baby, what a lovely way of sayin’ how much you love me”? And I’m runnin’ for the hills.