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The Smart Woman’s Guide To Checking Out Other Men Without Getting Caught

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I really enjoyed reading the recent AskMen.com article on how to check women out without their girlfriends noticing. It was amusing, because the tactics prescribed were so juvenile. Really, men? We’re much better at checking out guys on the sly than that.

If a guy gets caught staring at another woman, the AskMen article suggests that the guy, I kid you not, pretend the woman farted. Like, I just laughed out loud typing that. Are you kidding me, that’s the best you can come up with? God, women are the smarter sex.

The article also suggests men insult the women they’re checking out, because that will automatically make it ok with their girlfriends. But if my boyfriend said to me, as the article suggests:

“Did you see the size of that chick’s butt? Time to ease up on the fat-filled coffee and bagels in the morning, huh? I thought she was hiding packs of hamburger meat in her pockets. I truly did.”

I’d be way more repulsed than if he confessed to me he’d simply been checking out her ass.

Anyway.

Big shocking reveal, guys: women check out men, too. We’re just sort of better at it than you are. Watch and learn.

Avoid Furtive Glances

Don’t try to hide the fact that you’re staring at someone–you probably won’t be very good at it. If you see someone you want to look at, do just that: take a good long look. Furtive sneak peeks are way more suspicious.

I Thought He Looked Like So & So

If your boyfriend sees you staring at another guy, bring it up before he has a chance to.

“Don’t look now, but that guy with the blue eyes at the table next to us–NO, I said don’t look now!–but I think he looks exactly like Monica’s cousin. Not sure it’s him though……no, no definitely not him.”

But maybe you should stare a little more, just to be sure?

Whimsical Observations

Guys sometimes infantilize women and look for whimsy in all of their actions (See: Manic Pixie Dream Girl). This is obnoxious, of course, but we might as well take advantage of it when we need to check someone out.

Example: A really hot skateboarder whizzes by while you’re walking down the street with your boyfriend.

Boyfriend: Blah blah blah blah blah.

You stop, turn, and watch the skateboarder as he skates around and eventually into the distance. Boyfriend stops conversation and sees you watching. Your attention is completely focused on the skateboarder, checking him out to your hearts content and maybe briefly imagining your life together. Once you feel like you’ve gotten a really good look, you say:

You: Skateboarding looks difficult.

And then keep walking.

Blame Terrorism

What’s your excuse for oggling the really hot guy on the subway/train/airport lounge?

YOU: (whispered) I think he might be a terrorist.

Your boyfriend will think you are paranoid and insane, but NOT that you’re appreciating his hot terrorist bod!

Make It A Game

Invite your boyfriend to check out men right along with you! Except, he won’t know that’s what he’s doing–he’ll think you guys are just playing a friendly game of “single or married?” wherein you look at random guys on the street and decide if they’re single or not. While he’s looking for clues, you’ll be looking at…well….everything.

Own It

Boyfriend: Did you just check out our waiter?
You: Yep! Shall we split an appetizer?

Surprise! Girls do it, too.

Hopefully your boyfriend won’t be too perturbed because he will realize that just because you let your eyes and attention momentarily wander, it does not mean you want to break up and leave him for the other guy. And most women realize this, too!

Moral: Everyone checks people out, so as long is it’s subtle and not offensive, we can all probably skip the elaborate excuses and be cool with it, yeah?