How to Build Your Perfect Celebrity Franken-Boyfriend, ‘American Horror Story’-Style

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Wednesday night on American Horror Story: Witches, Emma Roberts and Taissa Farmiga acted out a scene in which their witchy young characters built the “perfect boyfriend” using various severed body parts from fraternity brothers involved in a bus crash. Roberts remarks that “these arms are hot” and “look at those legs” as they slap together various pieces of numerous boys’ bodies to create the ultimate physical specimen. And all this crafting got us thinking: what if we could create the perfect boyfriend with the help of all our favorite celebrities?

He would look a little something like this:

Premiere Of Columbia Pictures' "The Ides Of March" - Red Carpet

The Face of Ryan Gosling

The perfect first part of our Franken-boyfriend is the irresistible face of one Ryan Gosling. Hey girl, can you resist this sideways smirk and eyes that glisten like deep, Artic pools of crystal clear water? Nope. Neither could we.

Jason Segel’s Sense of Humor

There’s no one as in on the joke as Mr. Segel. The man was willing to expose his package for comedy in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, he wrote an entire vampire musical with puppets, and he’s the only reason anyone is still watching How I Met Your Mother (OK, maybe for NPH too). This man is basically a walking, legitimately hilarious romantic comedy.


michael fassbender shirtlessMichael Fassbender’s Little Fassbender

I have one very important word for you: Shame. If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re probably not quite sure why Fassbender’s most precious appendage made it onto this list, but do yourself a favor and rent the lil’ sex-riddled flick on iTunes. You won’t regret it. Or just check out this here’s a gif of the infamous scene which is NSFW because it will make you melt in your office chair.

David Beckham’s Legs

It’s not enough to bend it Beckham, it’s important to give the man credit for his incredible physique too. He’s earned it. And of course, as a soccer player, he’s got absolutely incredible legs – calf-muscles-protruding-from-his-lower-legs sort of incredible. Thanks Posh Spice!


George Clooney’s Political Activism

downloadIt’s not enough to be a fine physical specimen: you’ve got to have the personality to go with it. Jason Segel’s sense of humor helps, but Clooney’s deep-rooted regard for the well-being of our nation is something that cannot be left out of our perfect man. Finding a guy who’s cute, smart, funny, and who cares about the world around them is practically an inhuman feat. Clooney’s priorities would bring this fantasy boyfriend up about 15 extra notches.

130103153104-adrian-peterson-op5p-61102-mid-single-image-cutThe Rear End of Adrian Peterson

Okay, I know I just said we needed to make this franken-lover well-rounded, but how about the glorious roundness of this man’s derrière? The Minnesota Vikings running back is talented too, but if we got the chance to concoct the perfect man, his gluteous maximus is one piece we just couldn’t go without.

Joe Manganiello’s Abs

Am I the only one who saw Magic Mike?

manganiello 7

The Confidence of Justin Timberlake

When it comes to your dream man – be it a pieced-together creation or a miraculous, already-existing total package – it’s important that he’s able to carry himself well. In Timberlake’s case, his appeal doesn’t just come from some false version of swagger; he’s actually oozing very real, formidable confidence. This man knows who he is and what he wants, and that attitude can make just about any man absolutely irresistible.


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