12 Surprisingly Intelligent Love Lessons From The Jersey Shore

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You might think that Jersey Shore was the ultimate pile of garbage and that it has offered nothing to society, but get off your high horse — you couldn’t be more wrong. How often do we get such an unfiltered, microscopic look at a group of young people living together whose lives absolutely revolve around sex? Even the Real World crew seemed to have other things going on. Not the Jersey Shore kids. We got to watch them make the most basic, most human, most universal relationship mistakes. They aren’t relatable, but they are! And here’s what we can actually learn from their mistakes:


Gym, Tan, Laundry.

Make fun of it all you want, but there is truth hidden deep inside this Shore saying. Look good, take care of yourself, feel good. Have clothes. The Situation makes it hard to argue with: “If you don’t go to the gym, you don’t look good. If you don’t tan, you’re pale. If you don’t do laundry, you got nothin’ to wear.” Make that applicable to your own life, somehow. Do things that give you confidence.


Don’t Be The Human Backpack.

Deena and JWoww both refer to Sammi as Ronnie’s “human backpack” — she was constantly on his back about everything. If you find yourself as a Human Backpack, you’re probably paranoid about something, and not in a solid relationship. You shouldn’t have to spy on your girlfriend or boyfriend all day. Plus, being a Human Backpack is a 24/7 job. With that schedule, when would you have time to GTL?


Plus: “My Friends Are Getting Married, And I’m Just 25 And Drunk.”


Don’t Smush The Smushed-Ones Of Your Friends.

Can we please take all of our friends’ sexual partners off of our list of potential smush-partners? There are a LOT of fish on the boardwalk, and there are fewer close friends who will hold your hair back after 48-hours of heavy partying leaves you retching. Pauly D should have stayed away from Ryder, no matter HOW TEMPTING THE SEDUCTRESS’ MANNERS. Vinnie was already depressed, and if there was one person who should have known not to touch Ryder, it was his pal Pauly D. We can’t protect our friends from random people out there, but we can protect them from ourselves.


Can We Stop Hurting Each Other?

Every time I saw Ronnie hooking up with a girl to make Sam jealous, or Sam doing the exact same thing to Ronnie, I was reminded of that Carpenter’s song — “Why should it be that we go on hurting each other, making each other cry, hurting each other, without ever knowing why.” That is exactly what those two were doing. Hurting each other and crying and WHY? I’m sure it was weird to be the only two in a relatively speaking happy relationship (they DID love each other), but that doesn’t mean they should purposely destroy what they had, just to fit in with the toxic environment in which they were living.


Keep Your Fights Private.

There woudln’t have been a show if the Jersey Shore crew did this, but that doesn’t meant you have to. Your arguing will be more productive if you keep it behind closed doors — something that Ronnie and Sammie, for example, didn’t have the luxury of doing. And never get in a fight at Karma — what has anything ever been resolved there?


Plus: How To Be The Sexiest Person In Every Room Of The House


Keep Your Friends Close.

Don’t wave off your girlfriends if you’re in a relationship — they will beat the shit out of a guy for you. You will need them. Sammi totally forgot about her close girlfriends in Miami when she was with a less than trustworthy guy. She should have listened to the girls who knew her best, and had her best interest in mind.


Don’t say “I’m Done” unless you mean it.

I’m pretty sure “I’m done” are the words most spoken on reality TV, across the board. When you hear one of the cast members say they are “done” with a relationship, it usually means they are just getting started. But it’s like the boy who cried wolf — it’s a powerful thing to say, and after awhile, it loses all meaning. If you are done with it, be done with it. Stop talking about it. And before you say it, think about it. Usually “I’m done!” is something screamed after 8 hours of drinking, in the middle of the night, in a jacuzzi. If you’re in that situation, a good thing to say is, “let me think about this and act on it tomorrow.” (As long as you plan on being sober at some point the next day.) Haha!  “Let me think about this and act on it tomorrow” on the Jersey Shore? That is the funniest thing I have heard all day.


Keep Friends Out Of Your Relationship Fights.

If you mess up your relationship, don’t complicate things by involving other people. Snookie cheated on Jionni (the father of her child) in Florence with Mike. Ouch, ouch, ouch. And she told Mike’s friend “Unit” and her friend Ryder, and they tattled on her. Cheating was wrong. Bad Snookie. But if you DO mess up, fix things on your own, privately. And don’t trust anyone named “Unit”, ever.


Be A Little Less Wasted.

Most of the drama at the Jersey Shore occurred under the heavy influence of alcohol. Surely the fights would have happened anyway, but the booze was not helping. Imagine if they had been sober for, say, an hour a day to discuss rationally what they were feeling. Haha! Oh man, this article is hilarious. It would have been a different show. It would have been a boring show. But our love lives aren’t intended to be amusing to the MTV audience — we can afford to try our best to make things work.


Plus: Why Guys Act Like Jerks If They Break Up With You


Be Just Right.

Genart describes the trio of Pauly D, The Situation, and Vinnie as The Three Bears of Dating. The Situation was too hot. “Yo baby, what are you doing tonight? You’re going out with me. And we’re gonna have sex.” Vinnie was too cold. He’d beg a girl to go out with him and call his mom and tell her he found his future wife. Paul D, though, had a charming pickup line: “I wanted to invite a beautiful girl to dinner. And you can come, too.” It’s sweet and funny, yet aggressive enough to land the date. Now that sounds jusssssst right.


Stop Dating The Hurtful Moron Who Your Friends Hate.

Staying with the wrong person forever, over and over, after every mega-serious slip up will get you nowhere, make you look weak, and stand in the way of a better relationship. Sammie forgave Ron so much she started looking like a doormat. We saw it on our televisions every single week. That was her character — the girl who always, always gave a second chance. We all know someone who is doing the exact same thing, perhaps in a less extreme manner.


Girls Want No Strings Attached, Too.

Girls often have this reputation for always wanting relationships, but on the Shore (and in real life) that just isn’t true. Snookie hooked up with Dennis and then totally forgot about hin. Angelina hooked up with Vinnie and the next day it was like nothing ever happened. Guys — stop worrying that the girl you hook up with is going to want to get married or is obsessed with you. She might be eyeing the meatball standing next to you.