I’m worried about you. A recently released preview of your MTV Reality Show Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life shows you fellating a cannoli at a restaurant. I want you to know that’s not a thing people do. It’s not even a crazy reality show thing, like screaming at another woman because she waved at your boyfriend. We give a name to horrible sex acts like beastiality or necrophilia, but I don’t think there’s even a name for fellating a cannoli. That’s how often people don’t do that. Did the cannoli even consent?
In this video, your boyfriend tells you to “babybird” the cannoli into somebody else’s mouth. Does he make you do things you don’t want to do, Ke$ha? You can tell me. I have a broken futon in my living room that you’re welcome to crash on if you need to figure some things out.
I’ve done some research and I have to be honest: you have terrible ideas about dating. Let’s take a closer look at some of these:
On Your Ideal Man
“Like a big bearded guy with a bag of quarters. I think it's some weird pirate fantasy that was unfulfilled in a past lifetime. I like the rugged, mountain-man beard, personally. I won't discriminate, but my favorite kind of beard is one that could potentially be a homeless beard. Like, you actually have to discover if they're un-groomed for a reason. I like a really unkempt beard… You would also have to have a big dick.”
Uh-oh, Ke$ha, this man sounds unclean and/or unhealthy. Does he have AIDS, HIV, HPV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, crabs, lice or syphilis? I don’t think syphilis is still a thing, but if it is, this man might have it. I understand why you enjoy keeping quarters handy: I, too, frequent the Laundromat. But you like a guy who carries around a bag of quarters? I know things have been downhill since Tik Toc, but are your CDs doing that poorly? Are you that desperate for cash? Are you Fantine from Les Miserable?
On How To Tell If A Guy Likes You
“If he touches your vagina, he usually likes you.”
Oh man, sometimes! Other times he just likes touching your vagina. I think you can tell a guy likes you if he says something like, “Hey, I really like you.”
On Attracting Men
“We make the hipsters fall in love when we have out hot pants on enough”
I’ll give it to you for this one, Ke$ha. Hipsters do love a girl who knows how to pull her pants all the way up.
On Not Trusting Your Boyfriend
“Hiring a private investigator isn’t going too far. I would, personally, put a little tracking devise on his car, hack his email... follow him around in a fat suit.”
Before you go all Shallow Hal on your boyfriend, ask yourself the important questions, like: “Am I sane?”
“Don’t be a little bitch with your chit chat, just show me where your dick’s at”
Ke$ha, Ke$ha, Ke$ha: first of all, please don’t equate “chit chat” to being a “bitch,” and thereby feminizing the desire to get to know your partner, which is something a lot of men want, too. I won’t tell you how to live your life, though. What I will say is that dicks tend to be in the same place on every man. By this point in your sexually active adulthood, I would assume you’ve gained a thorough knowledge of precisely where the dick is at. If this man needs to show you the location of his genitals, I would immediate question whether or not he actually is a man. If he is a man, play to the top of your intelligence, and try something like: “Hey, let’s stop talking now and have sex.”
On Hot Guys
“Now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger, but we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger”
Mick Jagger does not have a beard. As far as I know, he does not carry around a bag of quarters. A-ha, Ke$ha, you contradict yourself! You contain multitudes! On another note, please specify that you mean Mick Jagger circa 1980 because if not, I continue to be concerned about you.
“I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural. I don’t know his name! He was a ghost! I’m very open to it.”
So, Ke$ha, you had sex with a ghost? My bets: $10 it was Casper, $10,000 it was the Bloody Baron.
On Getting Pregnant
“U can't get pregnant from making out. ok.”
Finally. Some logic.