‘Mad Men’ Couples: A Complete Ranking

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Success in a relationship, unlike professional success, is all relative. And few TV shows make this more apparent than “Mad Men,” where mating is often a byproduct of power plays and infighting, while happiness is…well, we’ve all heard the quote. In anticipation of many twists, pitfalls, and relationship drama to come in Season 6, we’ll be ranking all the romantic pairings on the show, based on who is happy(ish) this week, who’s making it work despite the odds, and who’s headed for heartache.

7. Roger and Joan
This pairing is non-existent, but come on! Roger is so unhappy! Joan is raising Roger’s baby all by herself! These two have more chemistry than almost anyone else on the show! Get it together, guys!

6. Don and Megan
Megan, how long do you think it takes someone to run out and buy cigarettes?

5. Don and Sylvia Rosen
It’s NOT good when the man you’re sleeping with confesses that his New Year’s resolution is to stop sleeping with you — and not in a romantic “I wish I could quit you!” way. If they ever had a honeymoon phase, these two are well past it, and seem to be settling in to the “feeding off each other’s guilt” phase. At least she’s getting him to read more? (Don, you suck.)

4. Peggy and Her Annoying Boyfriend, Abe Drexler
Why does Peggy date such doofuses? Abe, looking like a more Sonny Bono version of Sonny Bono, is still hanging around, still not-quite-living-up to Peggy’s intelligence, drive, and wit. It’s pretty clear that this relationship isn’t going to last long, given that her (married, Presbyterian) boss, Ted Chaough, was totally giving her The Vibe when he stopped by the office on New Year’s. They’ll inevitably have some sort of entanglement that will once again leave Peggy taking too much refuge in her work. Why can’t she just get together with the cute art guy, Stan? (It seems like he’s overcome a good deal of his misogyny.)  You KNOW a guy likes you when he leaves the phone off the hook while he runs to the bathroom, instead of just ending the conversation. Still, for now, Peggy and Abe are hanging in there, and living together.

3. Henry Francis and Betty Draper Francis
Weird rape jokes aside, Betty and Henry seemed settled, though if dying your blonde hair brunette is a portent of marital discontent, I don’t know what is.

2. Pete and Trudy
Trudy? Trudy? Where are you, Trudy? Can we guess that no news is good news, and Pete and Trudy’s partnership is status quo?

1. Mona Sterling and Her New Husband
They seem good. They seem really good. Until next week, that is.