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Will McAvoy’s Guide To Women

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Editor’s note: In advance of  The Newsrooms return this Sunday, we asked Will McAvoy to share his thoughts on dating. (Just kidding. We didn’t ask. He just volunteered.)

Hey guys. Listen up. It’s me: Will McAvoy. Yeah, I know, I’m moonlighting for a dating website but listen closely, especially if you’re a woman: I know what I’m talking about.

Now just in case you think I’m one stray self-righteous monologue away from being demoted to simply hosting my own podcast, I got asked to do this by HowAboutWe. I believe in America, and I believe in dating. Therefore I believe in Americans dating, capiche? Now… can we move on?

If you want to be successful with a woman you’ve got to act confident. I’m not talking “Anderson Cooper at the gym” confident, I’m talking the kind of confidence you used to find in the other generations. Edward R. Murrow is a good example. So is Humphrey Bogart. Both men could look you in the eye and tell you the truth, or at the very least they could tell a good lie and if you want to succeed with a woman – and I hate to break it to all you Social Justice Warrior folk out there with your “equality” signs and organic produce – but if you want to succeed with a woman you’ve got to be dominant. You’ve lived a little. You’ve been around the block, or at least, you’ve scuffed up your jeans a few times to make it LOOK like you’ve been around the block.

Guess what. First date? The guy is buying. I don’t care if he took you out for a lobster dinner with Beyoncé as the waitress and Van Morrison as the entertainment, if he’s trying to dazzle you with an over-the-top first date that’s his problem with sexual inadequacy: if the lady takes out her credit card, the date is over. Period. That goes for the cab ride home, too. And if the guy can only afford to take you out for an ice cream and a walk around the park, as long as he pays for both of you and he doesn’t make a scene, give him, at least, some credit, ladies. This is, as James Brown so eloquently put it, a man’s world. Women are, y’know, pretty great. It’s us men that feel like we have to make up for everything. So let us fight over you like the boys we are.

I started off a speechwriter, and what I learned from being a speechwriter is that you have to say thank you. So, guys, write her a thank you text the next day. Yeah, I said it, the next day. Not two days. Not three days. You’re not Karl Rove and you’re not playing mind-games here. You text her the next day and you don’t use a smiley face. You don’t use a little heart emoji or whatever those are, on Twatter or the Face Book or whatever the kids are tapping away on these days. You can do that until you’re 25. Pop quiz: if you’re going to send a smiley face or an emoji, look at yourself in the mirror before you send that text. Ask yourself: “Am I the kind of man or woman that is sending someone a winky face and a cartoon heart?”

One last thing: You’ll do fine, kid, if you just be yourself. I didn’t get where I am today by being Carrot Top, I got where I am by being Will Goddam McAvoy and I’ve got the team and the swinging dick to back it up. So remember: Look them in the eye. Tell the truth. And pay for everything because it’s the right thing to do.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a show to run.

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