You grew up playing Pokémon. They grew up right along with you. Over all these years, you haven’t ever really stopped thinking about them. It never occurred to you before, but – you know what? Pokémon are fun. Pokémon are easygoing. Pokémon are sexy (look, just go with it). Pokémon know you, and you know Pokémon.
Pocket monsters are total relationship material. But which one is right for you?
DISCLAIMER: We’re narrowing our scope to the original 151 species because a) we are old and b) dear sweet Jesus why are there so many Pokémon now? Lighten up, nerds.
Butterfree is beautiful, yes, but so much more than that. It had to evolve from a lowly Caterpie to a lowlier Metapod before reaching its final form – a character-building experience for sure. Butterfree was picked on in middle school, which is about when it got really into the Smiths and wrote moony preteen love poetry it’s still too embarrassed to show you.
In addition to being obscenely cute in her standard form, Eevee has the capacity to evolve into a wide variety of Pokémon: Vaporeon (water), Jolteon (electric), and Flareon (fire). That should keep things interesting.
If Woody Allen were a Pokémon, he’d be Psyduck. Easily the most neurotic of all the pocket monsters, Psyduck suffers from a permanent headache. Its constant confusion means it never remembers when it’s used its powers. That’s charming, right? There’s definitely nothing wrong with me for finding that appealing, right? Right, guys?
Total gym rat.
The girl/boy/genderless pseudo-animal next door. Chansey produces several magical healing eggs each day, which it shares with injured Pokémon and people – definitely a nurturer. Plus, Chansey’s built for cuddles.
It feels weird to put Jynx on this list, but it would be even weirder to omit her. See, Jynx is just, well, a lady. She has long blonde hair and breasts and is wearing a dress. Who are they kidding here? If you enjoy dating humans, date Jynx. This isn’t to say we recommend taking a romantic trip for two to the Uncanny Valley – Jynx’s design has been widely criticized as an offensive homage to blackface.
Lapras is an enormous sea creature that can both understand human speech (a rarity among Pokémon) and, in some cases, communicate telepathically. Pretty cool if you’re into the whole “talking to your partner” thing. Also, so nuzzly!
Using Transform, Ditto can reshape itself into a copy of any target it battles. Why settle for one Pokémon significant other when you can date them all?
The kind of Pokémon you could really settle down with. You like snacks. You like naps. Snorlax likes snacks. Snorlax loves naps. Snorlax may not be the most conventionally attractive Pokémon (what are the words even coming out of my mouth right now?), but you have so many things in common.