As a sex writer who made her start reviewing vibrators, double-ended dildos, Sizzling Body Candy, and similar goodies, I get a lot of press releases for bizarre new products. (And no, Sizzling Body Candy doesn’t count. It’s just like Pop Rocks, and Pop Rocks are awesome.) Sometimes, they’re relatively low on the weird-o-meter. Other times, the weird-o-meter is so high, I feel like I’m being punked.
Obviously, many of these don’t make it to the shelves of major stores (or any stores). Which makes me feel you’re missing out. And so — mainly for the lulz — we present to you some of the stranger products we’ve seen over the years:
1. The Kama Sutra Bath Book
From the press release: “It’s waterproof. It floats. It’s a bath book for you and your lover! Introducing The Kama Sutra Bath Book, the first ever take-in-the-tub sex guide for grown-ups.”
Okay. So I hold a special place in my heart for Aqua Erotica, the very first collection of erotica I ever reviewed, which also happens to be waterproof. But would I take it along if I was enjoying bath time with my husband?
You know what? I think we can wing it.
2. Potty Mouth
From the press release: “The Potty Mouth is a novelty product that helps remind anyone using the bathroom (face it, mostly us men) to put the toilet seat down after they are done with their business. The Potty Mouth has a sensor that is attached to a speaker that can tell when the seat is left up too long. A variety of different women’s voices playfully yell at the offender until the toilet seat is put down.”
I am simultaneously mesmerized and horrified by the audio samples on the Potty Mouth website. Part of me feels it has the potential to be a giggles-inducing gag gift. But $14.95 for four minutes of mild (and passive-aggressive) amusement?
3. Smitten Mitten
Not exactly a sex toy, but still bizarre enough to make this list. Believe it or not, I reviewed another iteration of these (the Hand Hugger) back in 2009. According to the website, the Smitten “is a wonderful accessory for holding hands when it’s cold outside! Keep your fingers locked and your hands warm…” PDAs are one thing. (I hate PDAs.) Facing public derision while wearing a giant blob of a mitten that attaches you to your partner is another thing entirely. We lasted one block before we finally admitted to ourselves that we couldn’t possibly chance being seen by another human being.
4. Sexy Love Sox
I reviewed these at around the same time I reviewed the Hand Hugger. Basically, these socks teach you the secrets of Chinese reflexology, allowing you to stimulate various parts of your partner’s body while giving a foot massage. An intriguing idea, but it still set off the weird-o-meter. I mean, socks and sex just don’t mix.
We used them once.
5. Blow Guard
I’ve already mentioned the Blow Guard in a previous post. It’s a vibrating mouth guard that enables you to give extra-stimulating blow jobs without accidentally nicking his penis. Because apparently we can’t manage to accomplish that without the unsexiest mouth gear in the history of man. Its website appears to be no longer, but there are still some sex toy purveyors who still carry the product.
6. VULVA Original
The website for VULVA Original is so NSFW, I can’t even handle it. Then again, I also can’t look away. For the love of god, please do check out the videos. From the safety of your home office. VULVA Original is a vaginal scent bottled “for your own smelling pleasure.” According to the FAQ page, the scent “stimulates and complements erotic fantasies.” (Another FAQ that makes me giggle: “How do I get the scent off the back of my hand?”) Ladies: It appears we have a goldmine in our panties.
Finally, on the level of “I am totally being punked” is the cockpipe. (I think it goes without saying that this site is so not safe for work.) It is a cock ring. And a smoking pipe. If you’re unsure about how this might work, there is an educational, how-to video on the site. Because obviously your partner will have no problem with you igniting a lighter next to his member.
There are so many other products I wish I could share with you. Things like the Sexerciseball, which was an exercise ball with attachments for a variety of vibrators and dildos. And the Tinge Razor, which was a vibrator that also doubled as an electric razor. Which didn’t make me nervous AT ALL. (I actually nearly typed “Cringe Razor.” Freudian slip?)
Unfortunately, these products have been (mercifully) discontinued.
But never fear, dear reader. If headlines like “In Vegas, Sex Toy Races are the New Poker” teach us anything, it’s that people will always be innovating.