- Episode 1 Recap: Let the Drunken Times Begin!
- Episode 2 Recap: Wizards & Dragons & Stage 5 Clingers, Oh My
- Episode 3 Recap: In Which Making Out Is the Answer to Everything
- Episode 4 Recap: Fishers of Ben
- Episode 5 Recap: “Who knew strippers could play baseball?”
- Episode 6 Recap: Survival of the Skankiest
Oh, it’s Valentine’s Day? Let’s talk about True Love on The Bachelor. The episode starts off with Ben and his ladies traveling to Belize. Ben starts out in a small airplane and ends up on a boat wearing a tank top. Airplanes and boats seem to be the theme of this season. Ben confesses that he is indeed falling in love, and then the camera cuts to Kacie B., who also confirms she is falling in love with Ben but is upset that other girls also like him. I hate when this happens in relationships.
The remaining girls — Kacie B., Courtney, Emily, Nikki, Rachel and Lindzi — arrive at the house in Belize, and Emily expresses disinterest in sharing another house in a beautiful tropical locale with her pseudo-boyfriend’s other girlfriends, and one shark: Courtney. Ha! This is not the last time this episode Courtney will be compared to a blood sucking animal.
Hello Chris Harrison! You are my paradise. Chris announces there will be three one-on-one dates – with no roses up for grabs – and one group date, in which there will be a rose up for grabs. Per Chris, the woman who receives the rose on the group date is guaranteed Ben’s going to meet her family. Everyone’s squinting. I’m not sure why no one figured to bring sunglasses to Belize. Surprisingly, however, all the women are dressed appropriately – even Courtney’s breasts are covered. This makes me miss Blakeley.
Back at the house, the first date card arrives, which Courtney opens; it’s for Lindzi. The card mysteriously says “two halves make a whole.” I immediately think of those magic show acts where the magician saws his subject in half. (Please let it be true. Maybe Wizard/Blogger Jenna could make a cameo?)
Lindzi is super excited and announces she needs to get ready; meanwhile, Nikki is crying to the camera about Lindzi’s date. She says she’s really realizing it’s really real now. (Really.) This is scary for her because her feelings are so deep for Ben.
After a brutal commercial break, Ben shows up at the house, still in a tank top. As all the women are lounging in chaises in barely-there bikinis, Ben describes the scene as “picturesque.” The girls giggle, because, you see, he’s talking about them, not Belize! Oh, Ben. After that exchange, Ben announces he needs to “steal” Lindzi, and the girls looked thrilled about it. Seriously, side-eye everywhere. Lindzi is wearing a cute black (black? in Belize?) sundress that takes some attention away from her heavy foundation, which might be a legitimate tan at this point. It’s hard to tell.
Lindzi and Ben depart for their date, and Emily declares that seeing Lindzi leave with Ben is comparable to someone putting a piece of cheesecake in her face, and then taking it away. I hear ya, girl.
Ben and Lindzi board a helicopter – another helicopter! I worry Lindzi will fall out of the helicopter for a minute and when I wake back up, Lindzi is telling Ben she wants kids and marriage and forever and she feels like her relationship with Ben might give her that. (Has she not seen the previous 700 seasons? Anyway.)
Ben and Lindzi and their helicopter fly over this thing called the “blue hole” and Ben advises that he has plans for Lindzi to freefall from the helicopter into this deep blue abyss. Oh. What is with him (the producers) trying to get the girls up to the highest point they can find and make them conquer their fear of heights? (Yes, Lindzi, too, admits she’s scared of heights.) Ben may be forcing these women to conquer their fear of heights, though I suppose one could argue they’re helping him conquer his fear of proposing again.
Readying for the Big Jump, Ben finally takes off his tank top. I’m surprised we’ve made it 12 minutes into the show. Ben and Lindzi clutch hands and prepare to take the plunge of their lives. (And their hearts! This show!) Apparently there’s a cameraman hanging out in the water waiting for them to drop. How do you get that job?
They jump, no one dies, and Lindzi calls it “so cool.” They make out. Of course.
Ben says he thinks there’s nothing he and Lindzi can’t accomplish together, because they managed to jump out of the helicopter. I remember hearing this speech before, but I think it involved the top of the Golden Gate bridge. Lindzi affirms in her own interview that she feels the same way. They make out, and it’s intense; I assume surviving a near-death experience with someone makes you want to stick your tongue down their throat.
Lindzi now absolutely knows she’s falling in love with Ben.
They pull up to a place called Coco Beach resort. Lindzi thinks Ben is very sexy for driving a boat in the dark. (How many boats has Ben captained at this point in the season?) She says she can’t take her eyes off him. (How can she see him?) Up on the dock, there’s a strategically placed blanket surrounded by lots of candles. I worry/anticipate the whole thing’s going to go up in flames. Ben keeps affirming things are “great” with Lindzi, and reminds her that it’s a big week because hometown dates are coming up (as if she forgot). He asks Lindzi if she feels ready to bring him home. Lindzi says to the camera that she definitely wants Ben to meet her family, but she’s “scared.” There’s that word again. Love means fear, I suppose.
Cue back to the unchosen girls in their beach mansion, where Courtney is complaining she’s been on too many group dates, and Kacie says she’s never heard such a “consumed” person in her life.
Another date card arrives! Rachel-with-the-bangs opens it and announces it’s for Emily. The date card reads “Emily: do you Belize in love?” Ugh, producers.
But she DOES Belize in love! I discover it’s possible to actually feel your soul cringe. Courtney admits this date between Em and Ben is her worst nightmare and actually says she wants to kill herself because the date card isn’t for her. For perhaps the first time ever, we see Courtney emote. She feels feelings, you guys! Though your guess is as good as mine as to whether it’s heartfelt or not.
We go back to Lindzi and Ben on their date. Lindzi is wearing an unimpressionable pink dress. They talk about taking “a leap of faith,” literally (the jump from the helicopter) and with their hearts. Jesus h. I can’t with this show.
Lindzi tells Ben she’s falling for him and is excited. Ben responds by pulling something out of his pocket (no, not that). It’s a pen and paper in a bottle for them to send a message out to sea. Ben says the message should be both funny and serious, because that’s how their relationship is. They decide to write a fairytale and Lindzi inevitably calls Ben her Prince Charming.
Ben reads the fairytale he’s written – it’s really not notable, except for when Ben reads that Lindzi was not just falling from a helicopter but also falling for Ben (so much falling) – and says he wants to seal their bond with an eternal promise: to always be open and honest with each other. They put the groundbreaking fairytale in the bottle and send it out to the sea of the unknown, then they sit on the dock and talk about how wonderful it all is. Lindzi’s bra is completely visible in the back of her dress.
More making out ensues.
After another commercial break, we find the girls hanging out in the house and Emily anticipating her date with Ben. She says she is ready to fall in love. When Emily leaves for her date, Courtney does a weird “see you laterrr” under her breath. Courtney then tells the camera that it would make her day if Ben sent Emily home. Emily, meanwhile, boards an aircraft. Another one! (Take a drink.)
At the start of their date, Ben announces they will be riding some bikes through town — he’s excited to have a carefree, “easy peasy” date with Emily. And it is! They walk barefoot, hand-in-hand through town, and Emily tells us she feels like they’re a couple and she’s on vacation with her boyfriend: “If only my boyfriend didn’t have five other girlfriends, this would be an absolutely perfect day!” At least she knows where she’s at.
Ben’s back on a boat (take a drink), this time with Emily. They are going to go diving for lobsters. Emily just loves how spontaneous and fun (!) Ben is. Oh my god these lobsters are terrifying. They don’t want today to be their last day. I empathize. (BUT IT’S FOR LOVE, LOBSTERS!)
Back at the house, Courtney and Lindzi are lounging on a bed and Courtney is expressing how she’s uncomfortable that Emily is on a date with Ben. She’s again teary-eyed and again playing with her hair. She’s upset that Ben is bonding with someone who said some “pretty nasty things” about her, and she wants to feel like she is special and he is on her side.
Awesomely, we cut to Emily and Ben making out during the sunset.
Back at the house, Courtney admits she’s not ready to bring Ben home to meet her family. She says that even if she gets the third one-on-one date card, it might be a little too late; she also says she really liked (past tense) Ben.
After another commercial break, we’re back to Courtney in bed, journaling. (I admit I’m surprised she journals, though for all we know it could just be a book of doodles. Probably.) She says that if she doesn’t get a one-on-one this week, she won’t accept a rose from Ben at the rose ceremony. Of course, all Ben needs to do to make this better is send Emily home, Courtney notes.
Back to Ben and Em. They are at dinner now and both expressing what a great day they’ve had so far. Ben asks Em if she feels confident bringing him home to her family. Emily brings up Courtney again, albeit briefly (STOP DOING THIS). She says that she felt a CONNECTION (take one shot) on their date today, and she’s ready to take the step for Ben meeting her family.
Ben proposes a toast in which he calls Emily beautiful (“not just smart!” he says) and says he had a wonderful day. They make out again, and Emily says she, too, is falling in love with Ben and it was the greatest date of her life.
Back at the house, the lonely girls are wondering if things are going well with Emily and Ben, and each are (shockingly!) hoping the next one-on-one date is for them. Courtney once again says she’ll be disappointed if the date card isn’t for her. SURPRISE! A knock at the door! (Seriously, though, is the date card deliverer just listening outside of the door, waiting for his cue?)
Lindzi retrieves the date card and it’s for – you guessed it – Courtney. “Let’s take the next step in our relationship,” the card reads. Courtney says “oh, snap” instead of “winning.” Her catchphrase is apparently evolving.
Kacie, meanwhile, looks like she wants to cut Courtney. She says it took everything in the fiber of her being to not spring across the room and punch Courtney in the face – and not because she’s jealous, but because Courtney is the “sh*ttiest” piece of person she’s ever seen in her life.
Courtney says “snap” again. Please let this not turn into the new “winning,” says America.
Kacie then compares Courtney to a black widow spider and insinuates that she wants to kill Courtney with her bare hands.
After another commercial break, we find Courtney mentally preparing for her date by standing on her balcony, poetically overlooking the sea. She says she doesn’t feel as connected (take a drink) to him as she used to, and it’s making it hard to be around Ben’s other girlfriends.
Another freaking plane. Drink.
Courtney arrives to Ben and he says he might be able to spend the rest of his life with Courtney. Courtney says to the camera that it’s been so long since she’s been on a date with Ben that she feels the spark has “fizzled a little.” America collectively holds its breath.
Ben and Courtney reach a Mayan temple and they’re both so amazed; they decide to climb it. Courtney warns us that she wants to unload “a bunch of feelings” on Ben. Courtney tells Ben she had a tough day yesterday and is upset Ben spent time with Emily. She says it’s a big deal for her to bring someone home to meet her family and she’s not going to bring someone home if she’s not feeling it. She tells Ben she lost “the spark.”
Back at the house, Nikki, Emily and Kacie B. are all talking about how they want Courtney to go home; Emily once again brings up how it’s not fair that Ben doesn’t see who Courtney really is. Kacie B. once again brings up the black widow analogy. We get it, you guys. The girls say that Courtney’s “true colors” will soon come out and she will “dig her own grave.” Let’s hope so!
On their date, Courtney keeps telling Ben she doesn’t feel the spark anymore. Ben is telling her that if he didn’t feel a spark with someone, he wouldn’t bring her home to his family, though he’s feeling a spark with Courtney. Spark spark spark. Drink. Courtney continues to tell Ben how difficult it is for her that the guy she likes is dating several other women. I wonder if she’s ever seen The Bachelor before.
Courtney and Ben continue climbing the temple (it feels like they got there 20 hours ago), and we again have a terrible metaphor: per Court, “each step we take is like a step in our relationship.” I take another sip of wine.
Courtney and Ben are now on top of the temple together and make out. After, Ben says he feels really close to his dad (after making out with Courtney?) and also sees a life with her. He says there have been moments of uncertainty, but right now, he feels certain. Courtney declares she has “re-found the spark,” and SO QUICKLY!
Courtney and Ben make their way to dinner by another body of water (this time, a pool). Courtney makes several unusual facial movements in a row before telling Ben she had a great day and that this is what she needed to feel “connected” to him. (Take a drink.) Courtney invites Ben to come home with her and meet her parents, and they both declare they believe in soul mates before making out again.
To the camera, Courtney says “Snap, girls. Show’s over. You can all go home. Pack your bags” and then does this awkward shooting thing towards the camera. At this point, we probably need to accept “snap” as the replacement for “winning,” but everything in my body tells me to revolt.
At the house, a new date card arrives – it’s for the group date for Kacie, Nikki and Rachel; it’s some sort of boating reference that I don’t understand. Kacie has straightened her hair, and says she wants this rose so she’s reassured Ben wants to meet her family.
Ben and Court are at dinner and Ben says he wants to know about Courtney’s journey. Oh, god. Courtney tells Ben the women haven’t even tried to get to know her or her life though she’s been trying to win over every girl by being nice to them and complimenting them. (I choke on my wine.) She continues that the women are “vanilla” and into themselves and she has no interest in listening to their lives, and then she tells Ben she doesn’t have girl friends, only guy friends. (RED FLAG BEN)
Finally, it’s group date time. Ben decides to sneak into their house at 4am to wake Kacie, Nikki and Rachel. Creepy or romantic? You decide. Rachel and Nikki hop into the bathroom to shave their legs and armpits. It’s awkward. Also, I feel like you should always be prepared on this show – why aren’t their bodies completely hairless at all times?
The women are ready, and they’re all back on a boat. (Take a drink.) Ben announces they are all going shark diving in “shark alley” – FUN(?). Kacie and Nikki squeal while Rachel looks completely horrified. The people on the boat throw chum in the water to attract the sharks. I hope Rachel has learned enough by now to use her vulnerability to connect with Ben. Kacie and Nikki jump into the shark infested water, and Kacie expresses concern that by staying on the boat, Rachel is monopolizing Ben. Eventually, Rachel is able to jump in the water with Ben’s support. Kacie says Rachel isn’t acting like she’s on a group date. I’m not sure what that means.
Surprisingly, they all survive the shark swim and are back in their natural habitat — by a pool, with drinks and that elusive rose, which the girls immediately start obsessing over.
Rachel gets the first alone time with Ben, and she says reality is hitting her and that she wants to bring Ben home; she says it would be nice to show Ben that part of her life. They make out. Nikki next gets to Ben, and tells him she had a great, down-to-earth upbringing, complete with board games (?), and wants Ben to meet her family. Nikki says things are “REALLY REAL” and that she’s falling in love with Ben. They make out. Really.
Next up is Kacie, wearing a cute bathing suit. She tells Ben she’s excited for him to meet her family and she’s ready for it because she’s falling in love with him. They make out.
Now that everyone’s had time to make out, Ben acknowledges the elephant in the room: the rose. He offers it to Kacie for “wearing her heart on her sleeve.”
The camera focuses on Courtney creepily looking over the balcony. Courtney says she’s not concerned about Kacie because she feels like Kacie is “just a little girl, stuck in a little boy’s body.” I feel rage.
On the group date, Nikki expresses that things are getting serious, now that Ben is getting ready to meet families. Kacie blurts out “we want you to be cautious about Courtney.” Ben seems surprised; Nikki says she hasn’t observed that Courtney feels the way about Ben that Ben thinks she feels.
1 hour and 45 minutes later, it’s rose ceremony time.
The girls get off (another) boat and Rachel says that the mood is “somber.” All the women look cute, and Courtney says she’s feeling “good,” and says that her piña colada “feels so good once it hits [her] lips.” Original, Court.
Chris Harrison arrives in all his glory and shocks the women by telling them that Ben’s mind is made up, and there will therefore be no cocktail party. We’re going right to the rose ceremony. Rachel is already crying in fear she’s going home tonight, while Nikki thinks Courtney is going home.
Courtney talks about the rose ceremony, I black out a little, and wake up to her saying “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya.”
ROSE CEREMONY TIME. Kacie is safe, because she earned the rose on the group date. There are three roses to hand out; two women will be departing.
Ben shows up and tells the women they are all extraordinary. And then! In a shocking twist of events, he asks to steal Courtney for a minute. Ben says he wants to know that Courtney is “in this.” All the other girls are totally rooting for Ben to just drown Courtney at sea. Courtney says she is only here for Ben and that it’s been hard for her, but she thinks she can make him happy. She tells him she’s been nothing but honest and open with him.
Back to business. The first rose goes to Nikki, who accepts it with an awkward bounce. The second rose goes to Lindzi, and then, as he has done thousands of times before and will hopefully do thousands of times again, Chris Harrison lets us know it’s the final rose tonight. The last rose goes to Courtney and everyone’s head explodes. Emily and Rachel are going home. Dear Em & Rach: You’re better than this anyway.
As Emily is departing, in a show of true class, Courtney once again says “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.”
Next week, Ben meets the ladies’ families, and the teasers show it’s not as “easy peasy” as Ben hoped it would be.