Advice

10 Signs You’re A Girlfriend For Hire

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For many, Katie Holmes’ divorce from Tom Cruise indicated the end of a contractual obligation rather than the regretful dissolution of an earnest union. In the event their marriage was one of convenience, we hope to prevent other unsuspecting young women from falling into a similar fate. Beyond the obvious, like pending deportation or pre-existing condition and your stellar health care package, we’ve collected a few more subtle signs you might be a girlfriend for hire. Read before you sign anything.

Plus: 8 Signs Your Rich Boyfriend Is Probably A Jerk

1

He’s too eager to make it Facebook official.

If he solicits your confirmation of relationship status on Facebook before he knows your bagel order, he might have something to prove to his virtual voyeurs. It takes more than a few lines of HTML to really go from “Single” to “In a relationship.”

2

He introduces you to his family.

At best, a two week old relationship earns him a date to a co-workers birthday party, not to his third cousin’s Bar Mitzvah. If he’s hasty with familial introductions, you might be a trophy.

3

You’ve met all of his friends, and he’s met none of yours.

If you can give an oral history of the relational dynamics of his friend group and he still calls your roommate the wrong name, you need to rent Spice World and take heed.

Plus: The 23 Most Ridiculous Reasons Why Jerry Dumped Someone On “Seinfeld”

4

He won’t go down on you.

Unless otherwise stipulated in the employee benefits package.

5

His texting is strictly utilitarian.

A sincerely smitten beau will send superfluous “I miss you” messages and texts anecdotes to encourage your shared sense of humor. If his date confirmations could be mistaken for a military command, he’s more concerned with your latitude and longitude than your emotional needs.

6

You’re not his type.

You’re Jewish, and he has a string of Waspy ex-girlfriends and a yarmulke with the tag still on. He may be feeling pressure to settle down with someone his family finds palatable. If all of the above also apply, you may just be helping him keep up appearances.

7

He knows the difference between One Direction and The Wanted.

In fewer words, you might be his beard.

Plus: 13 Humorous Alternatives To “It’s Not You, It’s Me”

8

He brings up religion too soon.

If he responds with scrutiny to your casual declaration of agnosticism, or inquires about how flexible your attachment is to whatever religion you do practice, he’s vetting you. If he keeps a mid-length pastel sheath in the closet for Saturday-night-turned-Sunday-morning companions, use extreme caution. If he tries to throw water on your head, run.

9

He’s a perennial groomsmen.

His newsfeed is a flood of newly changed or hyphenated names and photos of infants. He lives in a three-bedroom apartment alone. Rather than marriage tunnel vision, we call this ‘aisle vision,’ and once you walk into it, you can’t always trust he’s into you, or your perfect symmetry and access to the Central Park Boathouse.

Plus: An Open Letter To My Ex-Boyfriend’s Future Girlfriend

10

He pays you.

Surely the most transparent sign, we’re not necessarily talking cash on the nightstand. If he buys you things you’ve never expressed interest in, or covers every date expense even when you insist, he might owe you something he’s not saying out loud.

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