Claire Meyer and Alan Linic are a couple living in Chicago and the proprietors of @WeFoughtAbout, a Twitter feed where they document their arguments. And, it turns out, they are also the worst! Since @WeFoughtAbout went viral, Alan and Claire have been helpfully informed of their awfulness by the esteemed populace of the internet, who roundly agree that Claire and Alan are the worst all day long, absolutely terrible from morning till night.
From Business Insider (“Losers”) to New York Magazine (“douchenozzles looking for obvious publicity and internet pseudo-fame”), from Philly.com (“They both go to the same barber. They have that going for them.”) to Daily Mail (“The only thing that would be worse than their vapid tweets is the news that they are breeding”), commenters have painted a vivid and uncannily accurate portrait of Alan and Claire’s lives. The neurotic, fame-hungry, short-haired pair agreed to give us, and their very vocal e-public, an hour-by-hour glimpse into the life that strangers from the internet were so capably able to imagine.
6:45 AM – Alan and Claire wake up. They scream at each other at the top of their lungs for five straight minutes. They break up for 35 minutes.
7:20 AM – Alan and Claire make sure their haircuts match for the day before eating cereal in separate rooms.
7:30 AM – After avoiding eye contact for 10 minutes, Alan and Claire head out to work. On the way, they tell every person they see that they are dating and recommend their Twitter account.
8:00 AM – Alan and Claire arrive at their respective jobs. Both work inside the internet, where they throw selfies at random web sites like ninja stars.
9:30 AM – Claire has her first of many breakdowns of the day due to a combination of crippling insecurity and overpowering narcissism. During it her hair looks awful.
9:45 AM – After over an hour apart, Alan begins to recover from Claire’s toxicity. He calls her to break up. He creates a new social media website just to post about it.
10:00 AM – Alan emerges from hiding after being chased down the street by a rabble of normal people trying to end his heinous, pointless existence. Alan doesn’t feel much about it due to severe emotional underdevelopment.
10:01 AM – Claire recuperates from her first breakdown and immediately posts about it, triggering her second breakdown. During it her hair looks awful.
12:15 PM – Alan and Claire meet for lunch. They spend their whole break physically trying to force each other into their respective favorite restaurants. They break up again.
1:20 PM – Claire finishes the first draft of the book she is using @WeFoughtAbout to get published. She makes ten copies and forces the pages down the throats of strangers with a large orange funnel.
3:00 PM – Alan and Claire have a really boring fight that literally every couple who has ever existed has had already about 100 times. They post it on a large billboard in the middle of Chicago.
5:00 PM – Alan and Claire get off work and decide to break up again. They get back together because Alan is an effeminate pushover and whenever Claire feels alone her soul starts to leak out of her nose.
5:30 PM – Claire has her seventh breakdown. Alan films it and sends it to every television producer in America. During it her hair looks slightly better, but still bad.
5:35 PM – Alan and Claire fight about all the objects in their house. Then they fabricate a fight that never happened and post it online.
5:36: PM – Alan and Claire break up seven times in under forty seconds.
7:00 PM – 8:00 PM– Alan and Claire take turns screaming “look at me” out the window. Strangers yell back about how much they hate them.
9:00 PM – Alan and Claire tell each other about their days at work. They eat half a tub of ice cream and watch YouTube videos together. They make plans to go on a date sometime later in the week.
9:01 PM – Alan stabs Claire 80 times before succumbing to the poison Claire put in his ice cream.
10:00 PM – Alan and Claire kiss each other goodnight, break up, and go to sleep.
10:01 PM – Alan and Claire die in a fire, just like the Internet predicted. Her hair is not on display at the funeral.