Astrological Matches Made In Hell

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When it comes to astrology (you know, that scientific standard by which most of us base our important life decisions?), there are certain romantic dos and don’ts. Such as: never order for a Scorpio, never suggest a night in to an Aries, and never ever ever book one of those hotel rooms with a heart-shaped Jacuzzi for a Virgo. Because they will break up with you by bludgeoning you to death with a bottle of Purell.

That said, here are six of the cosmically-proven WORST matches of the zodiac. (I’ve touched on every sign, as I am an equal-opportunity offender.)

Plus: In Case You Were Curious, Here Are The Chances You Will Find Your One Soul Mate

Cancer & Sagittarius

Cancers are moody, sensitive, microfleece-wearing types who love nothing more than to stay in, eat fondue, and watch The Princess Bride before crying themselves to sleep on your shoulder. On the other hand, Sagittarius would probably describe an ideal date night as an order of hot wings at Hooters, three innings of a Yankees game, two lap dances, and taking some time off to see other people. Therefore, it’s probably not the best idea to mix the zodiac’s hermit crab with the zodiac’s bachelor.

(I exaggerate, obviously, but not really.)

Famous example: Dalai Lama (Cancer) and Miley Cyrus (Sagittarius)

Virgo & Leo

Do you know any vegans in the health industry? Or OCD dental hygienists? Or virgins who like to talk a lot? Then they’re probably Virgos. Virgos are drawn to order, conversation, and all-things clinical. They aren’t the kind of party-goers you find face-down at Mardi Gras. No, they typically prefer a chardonnay spritzer, an organized game of tile rummy, and maybe a walk along a moonlit path while holding hands. CLEAN HANDS. As for Leos? They’re probably at the karaoke bar, roaring out some Def Leppard, and hoping to tear off your bra with one sweaty swipe. Leos like warm, gregarious affection and attention while they’re swinging from a chandelier. Virgos prefer you to wear latex gloves while you’re giving them a back rub. In short, the only way these two are meeting is at an urgent treatment center.

Famous example: Mother Teresa (Virgo) and Bill Clinton (Leo)

Capricorn & Aquarius

Capricorns are refined, conservative, uptight souls who like antiquing. Aquarians are futuristic, space cadets who may or may not be aliens. This hellish duo can’t agree on much. If a Capricorn’s dream date involves a history museum, aged cheese, and missionary sex in a bed, an Aquarian’s has something to do with seitan and a nudist biosphere.

Famous example: J. Edgar Hoover (Capricorn) and Yoko Ono (Aquarius)

Plus: 12 Reasons You’re Afraid To Get Into A Relationship (And Why You Need To Just Chill)

Scorpio & Gemini

Scorpios are dark, mysterious souls who are obsessed with war, sex, death, and supernatural phenomenon. They’re also extremely jealous. Geminis like talking to a wall, never keeping a secret, and dancing in fields full of butterflies. I mean, I guess the Grim Reaper might like to make out with Shirley Temple, but it seems a little forced. There is a slight intellectual compatibility here, but it will probably only last for one cup of coffee. Best to keep this relationship one of “troubled customer and friendly barista.”

Famous example: Sylvia Plath (Scorpio) and Steve-o (Gemini)

Aries & Taurus

If Taurus is represented by the bull in the zodiac, then, in this instance, Aries is the mosquito circling the bull until the bull goes completely batshit and stampedes through a barbed wire fence. If I didn’t paint a clear enough picture, Taurus likes a slow, methodical, sane approach to life. They like to read the fine print. They like leisurely dinners and warm glasses of sipped scotch and gaining weight. Aries prefers bouncy castles and fast food and ADD and diet pills and running into traffic and giggling. This relationship is best if it’s kept between principal and preschool student.

Famous example: Lady Gaga (Aries) and Tony Blair (Taurus)

Pisces & Libra

Pisces is the “oldest” sign of the zodiac chart. They are extreme introverts who spend a lot of time philosophizing and over-analyzing and wondering about the inner workings of this strange universe. Did we come from an explosion of stardust? Does my soul look like a nebula? Whereas Libras? They like to shop. For very expensive shoes and very expensive handbags. And they pretty much want to be friends with EVERYONE. Honestly? I don’t think Tigger and Piglet are actually friends in the real world.

Famous example: Michelangelo (Pisces) and Kim Kardashian (Libra)

Plus: 7 Tips For Improving Your Sex Life From Dr. Ruth

In closing, here are some good rules of romantic thumb in astrology: Fire Signs (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) mix best with other Fire Signs and Air Signs (Aquarius, Libra, Gemini). Water Signs (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) mix best with other Water Signs and Earth Signs (Taurus, Capricorn, Virgo). And, it’s best to avoid pairing with the sign that falls exactly next to yours on the zodiac wheel.

Also, all of this has been proven in a laboratory and I am a world-renowned astrologist.