Here’s some shocking and terrible news for those of us who were born with a penis and two left feet: women prefer men who can dance to those who can’t. And while you’ve probably known this since the 6th grade Winter Formal (when some girl — let’s call her Topanga — snubbed you for that kid with the glowsticks), German researchers recently proved it with numbers and charts. Dammit.
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They asked 53 women to watch two videos of men dancing simultaneously. One screen displayed a male they deemed a “good” dancer; the other, a “bad” one. They then tracked the eye movement of the female spectators to determine which dancer attracted the lion’s share of her attention. Unsurprisingly, most of the women polled in the study tended to ogle the superior cutter of rug, labeling him both more “attractive” and “masculine.”
So, short of pricey ballroom dancing lessons or hours in front of YouTube perfecting the Soulja Boy, what can an ungraceful bachelor such as myself do to combat his balletic shortcomings? Well, you could try circumventing dance-centric institutions altogether, thus leveling the playing field. You might be an abysmal dancer, but I bet you’re good at something: conversation, darts, bar tricks, drinking games, running the jukebox, etc. Figure out what your strengths are and tailor the locales of your outings to them.
Of course, should some happy-footed friends drag you to DA CLUB, suck it up and do your best. Consider exaggerating your bad dance moves to humorous effect — self-deprecation goes a long way with some girls. Whatever you do, don’t brood or wear your dancing-induced anxiety on your sleeve. If there’s one thing worse than a bad dancer, it’s he who refuses to dance at all.