Some may say that having bad sex is like eating pizza — even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. I respectfully disagree. Really, bad sex is like sitting through a long, terrible movie, coming to the realization that the preview was the best part, and wondering if there’s some way you can sneak out and leave without anyone noticing.
Of course, men and women alike are capable of pulling less than stellar moves in the bedroom, but when Brady Tripp posted his roundup of five bad habits that women have in bed and admitted “I know a companion list for men would not be difficult to compose,” I had to step up and do just that. Disclaimer: personal preferences, talk to your partner, blah blah blah (no, but really).
1. Skipping foreplay:
We don’t need a a three-hour sensual massage followed by a Titanic/The Notebook double feature to get in the mood—and gotta-have-you-now sex can hit the spot—but if you’ve got the lovin’ feeling, don’t be shy about sharing. A quick shoulder rub and some old-school making out can go a long way.
2. Lazy dirty talk:
Have you been bad? How bad? Do you want it? How much do you want it? Are we boning or playing 20 Questions? Knock yourself out with the dirty talk (really!) but mix it up and do a bit of the work — too many questions and it quickly turns into a weird, high-pressure interrogation.
3. Not returning the favor:
Not to make it seem like a chore — plenty of women like giving head — but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reciprocate.
4. Sticking only to signature moves:
Just like fingerprints and snowflakes, all women are different, so reading her body language while you’re showing off your best stuff is important. (Oh and if she doesn’t dig it, don’t try to convince her with the ol’ “but my ex liked it!”)
5. Going forever and ever and ever:
It’s kind of like the difference between dancing to a few songs together and signing her up for an 1920’s-style dance marathon at the local rec center. We appreciate your effort to give us the time we need, but you don’t get extra points for chafing.
What would you add to the list? Tell us in the comments.
Diana Vilibert is a writer, and a lover, not a fighter, living in Brooklyn. You can follow her on tumblr here.